Animals We Made [RETURNS June 7, 2024]

Bub | Part 4

He dreamed of the Roman Empire.

It was vast and optimistic, a network of fluffy gardens and stone bridges, each converging at its iron heart. The aqueducts transported water from lakes to towns, and pedestrians knelt, drank, and marveled.

What fueled this utopia?

Drawing his sword, Mack leaped about the Colosseum.

The audience, all women, roared and thrashed.

"Easy, ladies!" He blew kisses, and half of them fainted in a domino ripple across the stadium.

"Worship thy glorious Chad!" A robed man on a dais nearby plucked at his lute as he screeched tunelessly above the throng. "He hath blessed us with his impeccable vibes! Lo, fair maidens, and hail the Warrior Sigma, whose rizz transcendeth that of Jupiter himself! Ah, what elegance! Hail the dude, nay, the G.O.A.T., and I cappeth not, for he taketh no Ls! Destroyer of Simps! Walker of His Own Path! Hail, I tell you! Hail!"

"Hail!" squealed the members of the audience who hadn't lost their consciousness.

"Now, now!" Mack strutted to and fro, his thin, ribby chest puffed out and quaking with the effort. "I am just a normal dude!" He threw his head back and laughed. "Easy! Calm yourselves!"

Perched above the spectacle, the emperor leaned forward on his throne. The gate under him creaked, and out marched a beast of a soldier flourishing an enormous wooden hammer. The challenger loomed over Mack, who, in contrast, was nothing more than a gaunt twenty-year-old barely capable of holding up a sword.

"To the death!" commanded the emperor, foaming at the mouth.

Mack braced as his gigantic opponent charged him.

"Sigma!" cheered the audience of women. "Sigma! Sigma!"

"Kill or kiss!" The emperor reached beneath his skirts to pleasure himself. "Fight or fuck!"

Mack raised his sword and noticed it was all wrong.

"Oh," he said.

Extending above the sword's hilt was something phallic.

"Ooh," he said.

His sword had a penis for a blade.

"Oh and ooh," he said. "Yikes and eek and ugh."

The challenger's hammer descended upon Mack.

He gasped awake in the cocoon of his blankets.

A ray of sunlight poked at his elbow.

He yanked free with a grunt.

"Good afternoon, minion." A horned, winged shadow engulfed him now. "You have a debate in less than an hour."

"Fuck!" Mack toppled out of bed.

Wriggling into yesterday's pants, he made for the computer in a scrambling frenzy.

He opened the Zoom application.

"I dunno if I can do this," he mumbled.

Bub laid a weighty, clawed hand on his shoulder. "Have faith."

Mack gulped. "If I believe in myself, I can do anything."

"You're stronger than you know."

"Am I . . ." Mack's lip trembled. ". . . b-b-beautiful?"

"Yes, honey," said Bub. "Very much so."

"D-Do you l-l-love me?"

"You know it."