Little Tiger

Thursdays

I had failed to even notice the sakura blossoms this year--something I recalled as I sat in class, staring over the girl sitting beside the window, to gaze at the street below, full of light pink petals. I wondered when the little girl that I used to be stopped being me. My childhood might not have been as rosy as others, but I still found joy in things, especially the sakura trees. I was seventeen now and far too young, I thought, to be this depressed. In middle school, I always felt that I was still perceived as a child and wanted nothing more than to be an adult. Now I realize that I was not a child even when I thought I was seen as one. I stopped being a kid when I left elementary school, as does every other kid, and now that's the only stage in my life that I want to return to. That was when life made perfect sense and everything I saw, touched, tasted, and smelled was heightened, in a good way. Of course, I was only being morbid because I did not want to be forced to make a decision on what I would do after high school. I would have to make a decision soon and the girls in my class were already buzzing about what they wanted to do. I still had some time to figure things out, but I felt that I was a thousand steps behind everyone else which didn't make me feel very motivated to catch up; a thousand steps is quite a bit behind, after all. 

Fortunately, it was Thursday once again, so I could drag my feet in school and make a complete jungle out of my mind as much as I wanted and it would all be fixed the moment I got to race over to the university and see Shigure. We had become enamored with each other as time bore on, especially after Akari's death and Hatori's absence at the university. It was about the only good thing that came out of the previous year. That and having Hatori at the estate with me. We got along like siblings--perhaps an old bickering married couple would describe it better--which kept things lively and entertaining (bothering Hatori was one of my most cherished pastimes). 

All I ever thought about was Shigure, and I thought about him even more when it was a Thursday. Everything my teacher said was being wasted on me in class. I had a notebook open but nothing written in it and a pen beside it that remained untouched. The girls behind me were whispering to one another and I was too focused on my after school plans to pay any attention to what they were discussing even though I did typically enjoy listening to the gossip around school. It was necessary that I stay up to date on the drama at school because, lately, it had been pertaining to me. My reserved demeanor gave the girls the impression that I was insolent and mean. I stuck out in my class like a sore thumb, it always made sense to me that I would be bullied the way I was. But Callie had been the leading cause of this gossip. She tried hard to assure her new friends that we were not and never had been friends with each other. I gave her grace about the rumors she had unintentionally started because she truly did not believe we were ever friends. I felt bad that everybody else knew about our friendship and she didn't. It probably frustrated her greatly to constantly remind everyone that she had no connection to the weirdest girl in school, she just sat beside her for an entire year. In the end, I was happy for Callie. There was a time when she was considered just as much of a freak as me, but she was given the opportunity to spread her wings now that I was out of the picture. 

"Did you work hard?" Shigure asked me, putting his arm around my shoulders and pulling me in for a kiss on the lawn outside of the dorms. I was elated to see that he had taken the time out of his day to greet me outside of his building. I had failed to remind myself that the only way I could get into the building was with his student ID, therefore it was natural to be greeted this way. 

I nodded my head amiably even though it was clearly a lie. I reflected on the useless behavior I  exhibited during the school day with a fond smile. I was getting nowhere academically but I didn't care. 

I'm willing to share that in the back of my mind, I reassured myself that Shigure would just support me in my adult life, after we got married. He'd be a renowned published author (I had too much faith in his abilities) and I'd have the freedom of going into a silly but enjoyable career; the pay not being an obstacle. It was a stupid thought because it went against everything I believed in and the practice of marriage was not a belief I held firmly at all. But my love for Shigure made me ridiculous and delusional.