Remembering You

Familiar and yet...

"You heard all that then?" She asked gently, clearly having overheard my husband's burst of hatred as well.

I snorted in ironic amusement and stood up shakily to grab a tissue to blow my nose. Thankfully, there were plenty.

"Hard not to. Evidently everyone needs to know how much he hates me. It's not like he tried to hide it, so I shouldn't be surprised, I suppose," I said sullenly, my voice cracking even though I was trying desperately to not care what he thought. To act as distant as he did and just not care. It shouldn't have been so hard to do considering I didn't even remember him, yet I struggled.

"Walk with me," she said with a sigh, shaking her head and leading me in the opposite direction of my room.

"You see, Jason tries to act all nonchalant and push everyone away. He even did that to you when he first met you. He prefers to keep his distance with how dangerous his work is, and with you, in the state you're in...I think in some deep part of his mind, he thinks it's better for him to just stay away from you than risk danger coming to you. He feels responsible for the accident already," she explained, walking slowly down the hospital halls, taking me on a little journey.

"Why would he be responsible for the crash? He wasn't even in the car. And how is his job dangerous?" I asked, wondering how that possibly worked.

"No. You were running to get groceries. But... I'm not sure really how much I can say...he works with the CDC and CIA on some pretty top-notch projects in biological warfare. I'm sure you can imagine it's not hard to tick off the wrong people in that field of work. Especially with his anger issues," she explained slowly, careful not to disclose too much.

I mulled this over, thinking back to all the notes he left scrambled everywhere and the infectious disease books he poured over nonstop. It made sense.

"So you don't think the accident was an accident?" I asked plainly, considering the implications.

"No. It for sure wasn't. You need to be very careful around him and around strangers. He thinks leaving you in the dark will keep you safe, but knowing you're in danger can help you make appropriate choices, in my opinion," she explained, not realizing she was the first nurse to treat me like I wasn't totally insane and was capable of making decisions for myself. She was an older lady, but clearly a feminist who believed in empowering instead of bringing down. She was a breath of fresh air.

We stopped in front of a large glass wall that opened up to a children's wing. It didn't look like a hospital but more like a fun house with bright rainbows and colorful characters on the walls. The chairs and tables were all in fun shapes, and toys filled the room plentifully.

"This is your ward. I have always thought memories are best brought back by familiar situations, so you might do well with taking a look around," she said, giving me a kind smile before leaving me there. As if I knew how to get back. Or even wanted to go in.

I stared into the room filled with children playing and laughing for a solid twenty minutes before taking a deep breath and entering.

"Why are all the kids up this late?" I asked the attending nurses immediately when walking in, startling them.

"Uh, well, you see, Sarah was bored and woke up Johanna...and she woke up Emily, who woke up Julio...wait, I thought you were sick still. They told us you weren't coming back for months," the young nurse named Trisha said, stuttering at first but managing to turn the question back on me.

"I'm not back. I'm just visiting," I said evasively, not wanting to go into details with her. The kids seemed to recognize me, and I had a dozen little minions at my feet with their snotty noses and annoying high-pitched voices. Yet I found myself smiling and unable to refrain from giving them all hugs, as much as I could with one arm at least. My pain from my jerk of a husband was eased by seeing how happy they were to see me. I didn't recognize any of them, but it didn't matter. Their laughter and happiness were contagious.

"I hope you don't mind us doing a bit of rule-breaking. You know the saying, while the doctor's away, the nurses will play!" a nurse named Kennedy said, his flamboyant nature emphasized by the little unicorn and rainbow stickers a five-year-old with some head bandages was putting on his face.

"I had tomato soup for dinner. Do you know how gross that is, Ms. Lightsaber?" a boy no more than eight asked me critically, urging me to sit beside him, evidently friends of sorts with me. It felt weird to have him recognize me and not know him, but I didn't want to burst his bubble, so I didn't say anything.

"That does indeed sound gross. Do you know what I had? Nothing. The food here sucks, doesn't it?" I had no idea how popular the sentiment was because a chorus of YEAS and SO GROSS came from the horde of children.

I knew I wasn't supposed to be with them, let alone making decisions for them, but my impulse control was apparently very weak still.

"Hey, Trisha. Can you order pizza and maybe some juice? Surely there's somewhere open now?" I demanded more rather than asked. The hospital food truly did suck, so I would do almost anything for some good-tasting food.

"Of course!" she said, delighted at the idea, thankfully not questioning my authority. I technically had none, so that played out well for me.

Soon, the kids were eating more pizza than they could have their fill of, gurgling down their umpteenth bottle of soda, dancing to something called the 'Wigglez' on the CD player, and acting like fools. It was chaotic. It was delightful. It was my heaven. I could totally understand why I went into pediatrics. The memories may have vanished, but some desires went deeper than memories. No matter what had happened in my life, I would have clearly ended up working with children. They were my joy, my sunshine, and my life.

Fuck Jason. Fuck my marriage. Fuck the idiotic things he said about me. If I was nothing to him, then let him be nothing to me. Who was he to judge me anyway? It was hard enough losing your memory by itself, but him being a total selfish dickhead was entirely uncalled for. I didn't need him to be happy. I would find my happiness myself. I didn't ask for him to push me away to protect me. I couldn't stop him if he tried, so there was no point in wasting time obsessing over someone who didn't care about me. I was safer without him, so be it.