Poems and Letters

Lay My Feelings Bare - 03/21/24

IS: We think it's got something to do with why you still possibly have hope?

Me: ... Maybe. I know that my feelings for her --

IS: What feelings?

Me: Love. Adoration. Care. Worry. All the things you feel about the person you love beyond measure. ... I don't know how many people can say that they poured every ounce of themselves into a relationship they felt so connected to --- to the person they felt so connected to. This shit hurts my fucking head -- my heart, everything.

IS: Is there no way to reconcile?

Me: You know I've tried. Yana even suggested it may be a good idea to build up a connection with this new girl in order to distract myself from these feelings. I don't want to though. She's nice enough -- this new girl -- but again, it comes down to the fact that I found who I think is my ... feel ... is my soulmate -- that's probably the only time I can say that I believe in a soul.

IS: What feelings do you hold toward her besides love, adoration, care, and worry?

Me: Anger. (deep sigh --- stressed, probably) I'm angry at her. ... I even want to say that I hate her.

IS: But you don't.

Me: Obviously I don't fucking hate her. I couldn't -- I can't bring myself to do that. Imagine telling the person you loved more than anything you hate them. ... but I guess it wouldn't really matter in the end. If I told her that, I think everything would be 100% over. That much is pretty obvious.

IS: Do you want to tell her this?

Me: Noope. I just ... ... I want to tell her how angry I am deep inside because of the pain she's caused me. I don't know. I also don't want to ever do that, because then she would think something like "I deserve that. What I did to you is worthy of hate". If not that exactly, then something damn near close. ... In order for any relationship to ... advance, there has to be understanding and forgiveness.

IS: But what of this relationship? Do you think there's any reason to care about that?

Me: If I didn't probably have some kind of hope buried deep down after our conversations then of course I wouldn't think -- err -- feel so. ... (stressed sigh)

IS: You keep making a lot of stressed sighs and biting down on your cheek.

Me: I know. Isn't it obviously because of the stress? Because I can't stop thinking about when she'll reply to me?

IS: About the embassy, you owing money to the government because of some stupid change they made last year, and the fact that there's only a limited amount of time left?

Me: Exactly... ... (Listening to Breaking Me - Topic, A7S) ... It hurts my head and heart to think and feel anything regarding the situation. I feel like she's out and ignoring me rather than minimizing communication.

IS: Because she hasn't responded since the end of February?

Me: Yes. I get that she went to a belated New Years Party with co-workers, but ... how is it that she can so easily ignore our situation?

IS: Didn't she tell you before that she thought about it every day?

Me: Well yeah, but things change, right? She said she doesn't -- or didn't -- think that meeting again would change her mind, and yet she says "you = comfort" and things like "should I give it a try? Should I say yes?" ... It's really, really, really hard to figure anything out.

IS: Do you think you're blocked on Telegram?

Me: ... Probably. If she blocked me there, then that's all there is to it. I feel like it doesn't matter, and yet I care way too much about (stressed sigh, clenching jaw on both cheeks) ... ... A response. I feel more stressed now that she's probably closed the only door I left open.