Poems and Letters

Lay My Feelings Bare - 03/21/24

It's only been 1 day since I laid my thoughts bare, but even that doesn't seem to be enough. Just like before, this is less a letter to you, my dearest, and primarily serves as a public record of the things I'm feeling in the moment -- or -- well, things that I've been feeling but that haven't gone away since that day. Hell, they only seem to have grown stronger after all the conversations we've had... Anyway, this is going to follow the same format as before. Any thoughts I actively have will be "Me", and anything that was just sitting there will be my Inner Self - my subconscious that reaches out into the conscious. It's a weird feeling, honestly, but it's not something I'm actively worrying about ... I guess.

Me: I'm honestly not sure where to start this time. Last time it was thoughts -- were? thoughts? -- I don't know if there's a proper plural way to go about saying that... I don't think it really matters. The song playing right now is pretty rough because it's also one that hits rather hard and home.

IS (Inner Self): Loneliest - Maneskin?

Me: Of course. Every day I feel more lonely than the last. It's like a constant buildup that I thought -- felt? Was going to be relieved after what happened in January.

IS: And yet you're here - writing.

Me: Yeah. I find that I'm clenching the left side of my cheek - sometimes it's that, other times it's the right side - all of it is in response to the stress ongoing within me.

IS: And ... you interrupted me by changing the browser into dark mode ... As I was saying - and despite all that you're still here. Still around. Why?

Me: Aren't you supposed to be my logical side?

IS: You hate when people answer your question with a question. Don't do that shit to yourself.

Me: Fair. I don't know, honestly... I'm ... (listening to Zen - Berried Alive) ... I really don't have an idea as to why I'm still here. I think --\

IS: I don't give a shit what you think, you're talking about your feelings right now.

Me: I hate talking about feelings... I feel that I'm still here because of ... hope? Desparation? Despiration? I don't remember how to fucking spell that word right now and it's annoying me, but I'm not going to spellcheck it... (heavy sigh) I feel like ... nothing matters.

IS: Still?

Me: Still. ... If there's a part of me still hoping for a change for the better, that could be what's allowing me to grasp even though I felt like the strings holding me afloat are no longer there.

IS: And yet?

Me: And yet I'm here. I know, I know. It's stupid. Most of the things I'm feeling about this situation are stupid. Think about it -- I mean - well -- feel about it? In this case? You know what the fuck I mean... (stressed sigh) ... I keep clenching my damn jaw. Whether it's thinking or feeling - why would the things I feel be anything other than stupid?

IS: You know your feelings aren't stupid. That's what tells yourself and other people how you think or feel about a given event or thing. What reasons do you have to think your feelings are stupid?

Me: BECAUSE. I opened myself up -- for the first time -- the only time I ever truly felt seen. Felt heard. Felt loved in the way I never knew I needed.

IS: Is that the truth?

Me: I feel it's the truth, and I think it's the truth. (another stressed sigh) ... I feel like I can't make it past that moment because ... because she's so indecisive? I mean, she did make a decision about ending things, but even then she keeps coming back, or did, come back I guess, with how she genuinely doesn't know what she wants.