Poems and Letters

Lay My Thoughts Bare - 03/20/2024

IS: Too weak willed?

Me: Yeah ... I don't know. Maybe I'm just a weak-willed person for those I care about.

IS: You aren't with your mom, sister, brother, or even your ex-wife. Why the difference here?

Me: She showed me true happiness. Why are you asking obvious questions like you're my fucking therapist?

IS: Is that not what the point of self-reflection is?

Me: The mask feels like I got some Baileys on it. Odd... Anyway, yeah, you're not wrong. Still, my ... my thoughts are just always foggy. If they're not, then they're filled with dread, sadness and everything else like that. Hell, I'm listening to an entire playlist called "When You Feel Extremely Sad" I made after she first said "I want to break up".

IS: You still haven't fully answered why you can't just turn your emotions off.

Me: (Listening to 'Till It's Gone by Linkin Park because it's hitting the heart more) Because I already told you - she showed me what I never knew I needed. It's that simple.

IS: And what is it that she showed you that your ex-wife never showed you?

Me: True happiness, free-love ... err, I mean unconditional love. She opened her heart to me the same day I laid my heart open to her - on July 4th 2020. It was such a special day in my heart, and I never thought that I would feel such a way. I've never been an emotional person - with anyone really.

IS: She was different?

Me: Yeah. She ... she for some reason, somehow, gave me this feeling - this idea - I guess, that I could trust everything within me to her. Like I could be not just myself, but that I could open up and rely on her ... her presence. Her smile. Her joy. Her sadness. Everything about her both good and bad not only attracted me to her, but somewhere deep inside - my internet cut out mid-stream. I just restarted the router.

IS: So, continue with that you were saying?

Me: Once the router restarts and I can continue.

IS: Continue.

Me: Yeah ... somewhere deep inside I felt this spark - this connection. It's something I've never felt with anyone else before, and not something I think I'll feel for anyone else again.

IS: Something related to the soul?

Me: I don't really believe much in "souls" and the like. You know that.

IS: Yet here you are, telling people like Talia that you feel like you found what you think is your "soulmate". Is that a lie?

Me: No ... Yes? Maybe? I don't fucking know. I just know that every time I look at the pictures of us - of Her - of her smile - the one on my desk - I'm like ... how? How can one person cause me not just so much happiness, but so much grief? I just ... I just want to be happy again.

IS: Were you not happy before her?

Me: I've told my previous therapist this, so you already know - not really. I never knew what I was missing. It was one of those things that you don't know you're missing until you finally have it, and then you're like "well shit, what happens if I lose this?"

IS: Breaking Benjamin is hitting your heart right now. Why?

Me: Isn't that obvious? "It's left a hole where my heart should be" - the lyrics themselves speak volumes, just like this song by Berried Alive. (repeating the lyrics in tune with the song in my head)

IS: Isn't there a way to get over her that you think will work?

Me: Yeah, maybe. The problem is that even after EVERYTHING that's happened so far, I think there's still (vibing to the song) ... I think there's still some modicum - some infinitely small piece of me that's still hoping.