Into the Flames {Station 19 x you}

fourty-two: state of mind

"Why?" I ask, straightforward, feeling tears slip down my cheeks.

Amelia shakes her head from side to side. Everyone was silent.

"We don't know Y/n," Bailey speaks finally. Now my eyes flick to her. She doesn't force a smile. Her eyes were sad looking at me. I shake my head from side to side.

"Do you know anything? Does anybody know anything? She can't not wake up! She has to wake up! Make her wake up!" I shout, shaking through it. I could feel everyone's eyes. The room growing heavy with it. I toss my head back then look at them. "Please! Do something! She's a firefighter! She was shot because of me! I should be in that hospital bed not her! Please do something! Don't let her- Don't let her go out like this!"

I couldn't see now. The tears blurring my vision. Nobody was saying anything.'I needed someone to say something not just let me yell at them. Why are they letting me just yell?

"Y/n, they've done everything they can," Jack says easily after a couple of seconds. His hand raises and gently is rested on my shoulder. I jump and move away, turning my head to meet his sad eyes. There was tears in his own eyes looking back at me.

"No. Not everything. She'd be awake if they did," I say not thinking. I look at the three and shake my head, walking past Jack and heading to the door. I feel him try to grab my arm, to stop me but his fingers just brush me as I keep walking.

"Y/n-"

"Jack, give her a minute," I hear Sullivan say. I walk past Grey, Bailey and Amelia and out of the waiting room. My body shakes with each step I take. I didn't know what the hell is happening. I don't know where the hell I'm going, I'm just going. I have too. I can't stay in there. I probably would have ended up saying much worse things and I don't want that to happen. I already feel bad for saying what I did. Or do I? I don't know.

I head down the hall. Nurses and doctors eye me curiously. I probably look unwell. All the dried blood and bruising and the burn from the lighter probably isn't what they want to see from a kid walking around. Unsupervised.

I walk up to a nurse station and stand there for a second. She looks up and meets my eyes. Her eyes go large and she stands swiftly. "Im okay. I don't need medical attention. I just need to know which room Andrea Herrera is in," I say, low. Her eyes stay wide. The conflicting thoughts hide in her eyes as she nods and looks at the computer. She types a couple things. The sound of the keyboard makes my body tense.

"Looks like she was just placed in room... 312 A," the nurse informs me and looks up from the screen. I bite my bottom lip and look from the left down that hall then to the right down that hall. Slowly I turn my head back to the nurse.

"Which way is that?" I ask, my voice softer now. The nurse gives a small smile as she looks around and whispers to a nurse that happens to walk back there. The nurse looks at me then nods, sitting down. The nurse helping me, walks out from behind the counter. She motions for me to follow. I see her wondering eyes, glancing me over. I know she wants to help medically but I can't accept it. Not right now. Not till I see Andy. But I don't know if I really want to see her in her position... Situation. Knowing it's my fault. Knowing that from that room, from the ambulance and from seeing her in that trauma room. I don't know if I can see her in that hospital bed.

I follow the nurse. My head slanted down a bit as we walk down the hall and take a right then stop at the room on the left. I look up, finding the nurse has stopped.