The Bad Jokes #2: The Blonde

Chapter 22 (Wyatt): A Classic Case

I paced at the airport baggage claim, waiting and watching for my first glimpse of Gracie in weeks. I should have asked if she minded if I picked her up, but in the end, I just couldn't send someone else for Gracie.

Fifteen minutes later, after checking her flight status on my phone at least once a minute, I caught a glimpse of her blonde hair headed toward the baggage carousel for her flight.

Play it cool. Play it cool, Wyatt, I told myself. Don't overwhelm her.

Fuck it. I was already hurrying toward her as fast as I could go without breaking into a Super Bowl winning touch-down run. At the last minute, I forced my arms to my sides to keep from reaching out and grabbing her to me.

"Hey, Gracie. It's good to see you."

Understatement of the year. Century. Since time began.

Gracie gave me a quick smile, and I reached for her backpack because I knew from experience that it weighed approximately four thousand pounds. Surprisingly, Gracie allowed me to take it.

"I only have one suitcase and it's not even my biggest one," she told me proudly. Gracie was a self-admitted over packer, ready for anything from a heat wave to a subzero freeze, from a backyard barbecue to a red carpet event. A few minutes later, the bags started coming out and in fifteen minutes, Gracie and I were on our way to Soldier Field, the venue for tonight's concert. Blue's band was so popular, tickets for the sixty-three thousand seat stadium sold out in fifteen minutes when they went on sale. 

After I navigated us onto I-90, Gracie turned toward me and touched my arm briefly.

"Thank you for arranging this, Wyatt. I can't imagine Blue was very excited to have me on the tour bus for the next two weeks, but this is going to let me have an...an immersive experience that I think will lend a lot more authenticity to the book."

"Blue's looking forward to meeting you in person. He'll be able to put your face to your name and stories as opposed to just pictures on my phone." I grinned over at her. "And your back cover photos. He's become a huge fan of your books and has quite a few questions for you."

Gracie threw back her head and laughed, delighted. "Seriously?"

"Yeah, I started him with your very first one, Arctic Love, and he's been burning through all the rest."

"Blue Hatcher is a fan of my books? Best day ever!"

"But I'm warning you right now that he was not happy with His Long, Flexible Dipstick. He thought Raspberry took Lube back way too easily after she caught him changing her sister's oil at his auto shop."

"Oh, come on! She caught them just before he pushed Strawberry away! I mean, it still looked bad since both of them were completely naked and Raspberry came up saw them kissing, but let's not forget that Lube ended up pushing her sister away before he knew Raspberry was even there. He decided not to go through with it even though Raspberry had just broken up with him the night before because one of the club whores had lied to her about Lube being the father of her unborn child."

"I'm not disagreeing, Gracie. I'm just telling you that Blue thought Raspberry should have made him suffer for a lot longer and he wants to know what you were thinking."

"I was thinking that Lube, being psychically linked to Raspberry after that freak bolt of lightning hit his truck while they were in it, suffered for months and months and months while she dated other men and he remained completely celibate. The man refused himself any relief, even at his own hand, because he knew Raspberry could feel it through their connection and he didn't want her to worry that he was cheating. I mean, that's true love," Gracie said firmly. "Plus he promised her free oil changes and tire rotations for life when he proposed."

At that, I burst out laughing. I've missed you, Gracie.

The rest of the way to the stadium, I filled Gracie in more on what she could expect at the concert tonight, what would happen after the concert and what life on the bus was like. I also told her about the personal protection officers that traveled with Blue and all of them were more than willing to talk to her about the job. The roadies, the bus drivers, Blue's assistant and the rest of his team -- all were prepped and ready for Gracie.

I pulled up to the bus and grabbed Gracie's luggage just as Blue was coming down the steps of the bus, two of his PPOs right behind him.

"Blue, I said. "I'd like you to meet Gracie Matthewson."

"Well, now," he said with a huge smile as he gave her a big hug, "so nice to meet my favorite author! Wyatt's been kind enough to share all of his books with me so I've been devouring them."

"Wyatt said you have a bone to pick with me about one," Gracie smiled up at him with her eyes twinkling. 

"Damn straight I do," Blue said. "Walk with me to the arena. Now, what the hell was that bullshit with Lube? The way I see it..." 

Gracie threw a wicked look over her shoulder at me, then gave her full attention to Blue. He slung an arm over her shoulders, and I shook my head as I could hear the two of them arguing as they walked away.

"Here's what you should have done with that trainwreck dude," Blue's voice was a little loud.

"I don't need you telling me what to do with Lube!" she said back stubbornly.

This was going to be a fun two weeks. I started laughing as I took Gracie's suitcase and backpack onto the bus and put it in her sleeping cubicle.

***

Gracie, decked out in her all-access pass and ID, watched the show from the wings that night, just taking in everything. After the final encore, after the band met the local winners of contests to meet the band, we got onto the lead bus and one of the two drivers headed for the highway. As always, we sat around shooting the shit, talking about show highlights, and then, one by one, people would call it a night. Blue clapped me on the shoulder and everyone trickled away until it was just Gracie and me.

"I can show you where you're sleeping if you're ready to call it a night," I said to her.

"How the heck do you all ever settle down after a show? It's such an adrenaline rush and I was just watching. I'm absolutely wired!" She even looked wired, with bright spots of color on her cheeks and her eyes beaming. "How do you sleep?"

"You get used to it," I said. "Being on the road is exciting at first, and then you settle into the routine and realize you need sleep to function the next day."

"OK, then I'll act like it's routine and go to bed now."

I got up and took her to the tiny room that could hold a suitcase and a twin bed. Since I'd changed the sheets earlier, her bed was ready to go.

"Home sweet home for the next two weeks," I said with a teasing flourish. "Just dial nine for room service and two for housekeeping --"

"Total Ritz vibes," Gracie laughed at me, then turned serious. "Thank you again, Wyatt."

"Happy to help," I told her lightly. Plus, I get to see you every day for two weeks. Then I couldn't help myself, so I went on.

"I'm glad you're here, Gracie. I miss you," I said softly, making sure to keep my voice low since we were close to other sleeping cubicles. Only Blue knew my connection to Gracie, and I didn't want anyone bothering Gracie about me. "Good night."

Without giving her a chance to say anything, I walked back out to my couch, and it wasn't because I was wired from the show that I found it hard to sleep. It was because of the woman sleeping just feet away from me.

It was a classic case of so close, yet so far away. I had two weeks to change that. 

But I was about to get an assist from someone unexpected.