Every Part Of Us

22. Consume me

I really hated to admit it. I didn't think anyone would ever get me to say the words out loud.

But when it came to relationships, Jake was an expert. If I had to point to any almost perfect relationship, well I'd look towards my best friend. He had seemed to settle into the boyfriend role so easily last year and now it was hard to imagine him without Evan by his side.

As much as I went to Jake for advice on most things. I tended to ignore most of what he told me. But for relationships, I knew he would be the one to give me advice that actually worked.

After my date with Reid, my brain was spinning out with all types of feelings. I liked spending time with Reid, kissing Reid, and just being close to Reid. There were no doubts in my brain about that.

But I still felt an ounce of hesitancy. I'd been here before. I'd thought I liked someone before and I didn't know how to be sure that this time with Reid was different.

I couldn't afford to be wrong again. I wasn't going to let myself.

So naturally I found myself bothering Jake hoping somehow he'd have the answers to all my problems.

Which really was my first mistake. Jake may know how to handle a relationship but fixing all the shit that was wrong with me was beyond his ability.

"Hey." Jake smiled as he opened his front door.

"I'm not interrupting anything, am I?" I asked my eyes searching behind Jake for his other half.

I was always nervous about what I might see when it came to my best friend and his boyfriend. I was even more nervous now when I was showing up without any notice.

"No, Ev is just taking a nap and I was about to make something to eat. Are you hungry?" He ushered me inside.

"Yeah." I found myself just nodding and following Jake into the kitchen.

I sat down at the kitchen island and watched as my friend finished the pasta he was making and served it up in two bowls.

The one thing I liked about Jake was that he never pushed. I knew that he could tell I had shown up for a reason but instead of pushing he just chatted to me about nothing, allowing me to avoid what I wanted to ask. I could only avoid it for so long and by the time I was almost finished with my food I decided to rip off the bandaid.

"Can I ask you something?" I pushed the question out of my mouth.

"Anything." Jake nodded.

I let myself think for a second, I didn't know exactly how to verbalize what I wanted. Talking about myself and dating together was not something I was ever very comfortable with. It made my skin itch so instead I turned it off myself and back onto Jake.

"How did you know you liked Evan?"

Jake seemed to sit and think for a second.

"Well, it depends I guess, I knew I was attracted to him the second I laid eyes on him. I knew I wanted him the second he started insulting me. But I didn't know I really liked him until I started to get to know him more. The more we talked the more I didn't want to stop. The more I saw him the more I couldn't get him out of my head. I didn't realize how deeply I felt for Ev until he consumed me entirely. I would have done anything to get just a second of his attention even if he was calling me an asshole." I watched that sickly-in-love look spread across my best friend's face, those two were grossly obsessed with each other.

I let his word circle through my brain. I did think about Reid a lot and I wanted to keep talking to him. I wanted to be close to Reid and all those kisses played on repeat through my head constantly. There shouldn't be doubts going on in my head. I shouldn't be doubting my feelings.

But I couldn't help it because when I tried to get myself to imagine something beyond those perfect kisses I felt myself shut down. There was something wrong with me and if I was broken then why would someone like Reid want me?

"You know everyone's relationships and feelings are different. Your relationship doesn't have to look like Ev and I's to be normal or healthy. I'm happy to tell you about my feelings and give advice but maybe think about what you want your relationship to look like." Jake said in my prolonged silence.

That did nothing to help my mind from spinning out. When I thought about what I wanted my relationship to look like I saw a lot like what Reid and I had. Sitting around talking, bodies pressed together and stealing kisses as we just basked in being close to the other.

That was what I wanted and I did not know if I was able to give anything more than that.

"Thanks" I smiled at my friend. "I think I'm just getting in my head, I am not used to this whole dating and feelings thing."

I did my best to brush the conversation away from me. I wasn't ready to dive into what exactly my feelings meant but I knew I was happy with where I was. I liked Reid and what we had right now was good. I wasn't going to ruin it by trying to push too fast. My feelings would develop and everything would be fine.

"Jake?" A soft voice asked and I watched a half-asleep Evan stumble into the kitchen rubbing at his eyes.

"Hey sleepy." Jake's face melted completely when he saw Evan and his boyfriend practically wrapped himself around my best friend dipping his head into the side of his neck.

Jake let his hand go to his boyfriend's hair playing with it lightly as Evan clung to him like a koala.

"Ev," Jake softly lifted his boyfriend's head off him giving Evan a soft look. "Go sit I'll get you some food."

Evan nodded slightly and fell into the chair next to Jake, his eyes blinking open and finally looking half awake.

He seemed surprised at the sight of me in the kitchen but still, he smiled.

"Hi Adam." He greeted.

With the two not plastered together I got to actually look at the state Evan was in. While he was barely awake, he had all the signs of sleep, the rustled hair, the glassy eyes and he had a crease across the side of his face where he was lying on the pillow. But that wasn't what caught my attention, it was the deep red hickeys that trailed up his chest to the base of his neck that caught my eye.

That was what a relationship looked like. That was what happened when two people were into each other and I was kidding myself into believing I could have Reid in any other way. That this wasn't exactly what someone like Reid would want from me.

A/n:

Sorry this is super late. I've been doing a ton of spring cleaning and just getting all my shit together. But I finally finished writing this and wanted to give you all something.

Also I'm deep into my Taylor swift listening and honestly writing while listening to the new album has been just what I needed to get motivated again. TYPD is super Cass coded so super excited to get to her story and be able to listen to all these songs while I write. And if you were wondering Cass' anthem would be The Bolter.

Might be in my sad girl era with this album but luckily I did my reoutline for this story before this album came out. My boys are safe..... maybe.

Hope you enjoyed this chapter!
-Cora Leigh