Every Part Of Us

6. Again

I wasn't hiding. Ok well I was hiding but I knew I shouldn't be. I'd made a promise to try but everything just got to be too much. My head was spinning uncomfortably and my chest seemed to tighten the longer the day went on.

I'd taken the first opening I could and slipped away. I knew Jake wouldn't stop me so I walked out of there until I found a quiet corner to recenter myself.

It had been awhile since I felt this feeling. Since I felt like nonexistent walls were closing in and my lungs ran out of air. I'd grown familiar with this feeling during college. I'd tried my best to navigate through those years without suffocating on nothing. Now I did what I could to avoid all the situations that had me running off trying to figure out what was wrong with me.

I let my eyes fall closed and pressed my forehead against my bent knees. It was one breath in and one breath out. A slow process to slow the way my heart seemed to be racing in my chest.

I just sat there for a few minutes until some of that tension started to ease. I'd wanted to come and try for Connor. He deserved my effort but now I didn't think I'd be able to get myself to go back. As I felt myself ease slightly I didn't think I had it in me to let all that tension return.

So I was ready to feel the guilt later. To let Jake be stuck with giving out apologies on my behalf. It was something he never complained about, he understood me better than anyone else. Still every time I felt that deep hatred for myself return. All those terrible thoughts swirled in my head because I couldn't suck it up for just one afternoon.

"Oh sorry I didn't realize anyone was out here."

I turned at the voice and felt any of that ease disappear. The tension returned as Connor's best friend Reid stood in the grass in front of me.

Maybe if I wasn't already in the midst of my downward spiral of guilt I would've kept my mouth shut. I would've just ignored him like I did before and let him walk away without any damage done. But guilt was drowning me and this seemed like the one chance I had. If I couldn't go back to the party I could do this.

Connor wanted me to meet his best friend and here he was right in front of me.

"I should probably be the one apologizing." I replied.

"You don't have to." Reid just shook his head.

"I do, I was kinda an ass earlier."

"Kinda?" He laughed.

"Fine I was a total asshole to you for no reason and I'm sorry about that."

"You mind?" Reid gestured to the empty spot next to me on the stairs I was sitting on.

"Go right ahead."

I hated talking to people I didn't know. I never knew what to say and most of the time what I did say was all wrong. I felt that awkwardness sweep over us. The briefest seconds of silence seemed to set myself on edge. My brain supplying me with all the thoughts I knew deep down weren't going through his head.

So there was no stopping me from opening my mouth to try to fill the quiet.

"I promised my best friend I'd be nice so I walked away before I could break that promise." I blurted out.

That was definitely not something he needed to know.

"What were you going to say?" He asked.

"What?" I just stared at him for a second.

It was probably a mistake. Really looking at Reid had been a mistake. Now he was so much closer to me and I could really see him. His tanned skin, those green eyes, the mess of light brown curls. Each feature all came together to make a perfect match. And when he smiled I swear I felt it deep in my chest. It shined until even the darkest parts of me seemed to have a spotlight on them.