Meet me under the Willow Tree

Chapter 10: Cassie

"I will no longer dance with death, I will embrace it."

      

"Why, Cassie?" I stare at my hands. I stare at the lines of my fingers and the texture of my nails. "Your mother is talking to you, Cassiopeia." My father says strictly. His voice is cold. He has no love for me at all as a daughter. I'm sure in the situation that something happened he would smile and chit chat at my funeral. As a parent, you're supposed to keep a kid alive at the very least and nurture them. But my father, I know there's nothing he wants more than me being finally gone. "You heard me," He growls. With all the fire I can possibly muster within my eyes, I look up at the people who raised me. I look at them with zero compassion. All the love and care I felt towards them as a child, it's gone away. I'm not sheltered from the truth of who they are anymore. I know and I see it plain as day. He is a monster and she is his prisoner. "Why did your school counselor call today? Why did someone tell the counselor that they were worried about you committing suicide?" I stare at her. In this moment I could not possibly hate anyone else on the planet. Why else would I be thinking about suicide if not because of you? "I don't know," I grumble. I don't have the energy nor the time for this. The answers are here and in front of them plain as day. I don't care anymore. How could I? If this meant that I was going to slip away, fine. If I end up dead, that's okay. My mind has already been to all these dark places a million times. Who can protect me from what I deal with on a daily basis? Who could save me from what I was feeling when I've already felt it so deeply? "Yes, you do. What did you tell Maeve in school yesterday?" I shrug. "That I was sorry." I say. It's that simple. I had no idea what I was saying when it happened. Maybe I was saying sorry for not sleeping over, sorry for not texting her enough, sorry for anything. "Yeah, and why?" My dad says. I face him with the coldest look I could muster. Before I know it, he's moving closer. "Don't look at me like that." He hissed into my ear. Of course my mother was just sitting there and watching. "Look at me with respect. I am your father. Act like it." He says, barely backing up. Still growling into my ear like a dog. It takes everything I can muster not to push him off. The thought crosses my mind multiple times. He sits back down on his chair across from me. It's my mom's turn to just stare at her hands. "Are you thinking of... of suicide, Cassie?" Oh, god. Suicide. I had thoughts like that all the time but I never really thought of that word. Suicide. Such an ugly, disgusting word. The question was hard to answer. I had no idea what I was thinking of, honestly. My response was, by default, "I don't know." I saw the look on his face before anything happened. And before I know it, there's something coming towards me. His hand. I try to duck but he's already there. My chair tips backward and I'm on the ground. I'm so angry I don't even feel the pain. I'm seething. I stood up almost as immediately as I had fallen. I can barely even control my actions. I throw a punch to his stomach and he folds forward. "Cassie!" My mom hissed. I don't even look at her, instead of stopping, I take my knee to his groin. Now it's his turn to fall on the ground. His head hits the ground with a smack. I don't even know what I'm doing but I don't care enough to stop. I don't waste a second, scrambling on top of him, throwing punches to his face. Over and over. I feel my mom trying to lift me off of him but I won't budge. Out of the corner of my eye I see a terrified Mateo standing in the doorway. "Cass?" I hear him whimper. That's the only time that I stop, looking up at Mateo thinking "He doesn't deserve this, he deserves a father, though a terrible one at that". I look at him with apologetic eyes. That's all the time my dad needs to push me off of him and shove me into the ground. My head spins. Don't fall, don't fall, I beg myself. Shakily I stood up to face my father. His face is bleeding. My mother stands with her back against the wall. She is looking at me in a way that a mother should never look at her daughter. Her eyes are full of fear. My father's are full of rage. He didn't hurt me too bad. I definitely had the upper hand in this situation. I can't believe I've done this to my brother. I can hear him hyperventilating. I wobble when I stand and only give a last glance to Mateo, and in that one look I said everything I never could to him, how sorry I was that it was ending like this. With that thought I ran out the backdoor, my head spinning and my lungs constricting, I didn't stop till I reached the place that I knew I needed to go. The wind whipping past my face, my eyes watering. I choked back sobs constantly. The piercingly cold Autumn air made breathing almost more painful than it already was. In the back of my mind there was relief, I was free. For there they stood in front of me. The cliffs. I guess that's what they were; the cliffs. But I had always called them hills. The hills that overlooked the lake way down below. They were stiff, rocky. The logical part of my brain screamed in fear. I walk, ever so slowly, to the edge and look down. The water below is as black as the night around me. There's a thin little fence separating people from the cliffs. I grip the fence so hard my knuckles turn white. With a shaky breath, I close my eyes and breathe in the cool night air. Feel the lake effect chilling my skin. The lake effect I'd felt chilling my skin so many times over the years. I remember running along the sidewalk by the cliff with my parents. We laughed and ran. They hoisted me up so I could see the water over the fence. I remember thinking it was so beautiful; soft blue and shiny from the sun. The gentle waves lazily lapping against the pointed rocks. My dad had told me that the water reflected the sky. I thought of that every time I saw water. And now I'm here again. The place that was my safe place all these years. And now here I am again. The water so far down below whispers my name. Cassie, it beckons. It's getting hard to ignore. I've been out here for a little while now, and still not a peep from my family. Maybe they've finally let me go. Let me die. My hair billows behind me. The night was calm. There were no cars driving along the street behind me. I felt so alone. Because I know the truth, the truth that many do not know or understand. In the end, there will be no one around to save you. No one will protect you. Nobody will keep you from reaching your breaking point. In fact some people even enjoy pushing you past your breaking point. The wind is cold. I wish I had worn my coat. Then again, who knows how much longer I'm going to feel anything. I stare at the lake so far below me. Would it claim my broken body? Pull me into the undertow? Push me way out to sea? Would anyone ever find me? Or would I be on the missing persons list, giving people false hope that perhaps I was alive? Would anyone look for me? I breathe in. I breathe in the thought of Maeve and Mateo and sunshine and Monster energy. I try to breathe out the negative thoughts: Death, my mother, my father. I guess I'm trying to change my own mind. The single hope inside me is begging me not to do this, but my mind is made. I slowly raise my leg and maneuver over the fence until I'm sitting on it. The tide crashes against the rocks so far below me. Would I really do this? I knew I would. But could I take it back? No, never. If I do this now, I'm gone forever. I will never get a second shot at life. This is my only life, my only chance. And I was giving it all up. A silent tear drips down my cheek. All the thoughts of the things I would never see crashed over me. The things I'll never do. The wonders I'll never experience. I'm not going to ever see my brother grow up. Get married. I'm never gonna grow up or get married, myself. I'm never going to grow up and travel the world with Maeve like we had always wanted. I could never see her grow up and flourish. We could never do it together. I know that the power is technically in my hands to keep living, but I can't. The truth is that nothing can save me. Not even my love for other people. To live, I have to love myself. Love my life. I can't live my life off of other people and that's what I'm doing. It's what I've always been doing. That's why I've been alive. I've been alive so as not to hurt my brother. As not to hurt Maeve. I've been alive to build and form bonds with others. But at the end of the day, I have no bonds with myself. I couldn't care less about myself and my life, actually. I slowly lowered myself to the ground. The air caught in my throat. I'm not, like, horribly scared of heights, but they're definitely a little scary. Especially judging by how high I am. I'm on the edge of a cliff. The fear hits me. Was I really gonna do this? I don't even feel whether or not I'm breathing. Again, I breathe in the night air. I think of all the people I have to say goodbye to now. The people that by doing this I'm leaving behind. I think of all the hearts I'm going to break, although I doubt there will be many. Goodbye, school. Teachers. Goodbye, family. Grandpa. Grandma. Mom. Dad. Goodbye, Mateo... I breathe in one last tearful breath... "Goodbye, Maeve."

Hey guys! We just updated this chapter because we thought it needed a little more story, hope you guys like it! 

Lots of Love, Your Authors  <3