Meet me under the Willow Tree

Chapter 8: Cassie

"One day I will find the courage to leave. And when I do, I hope your heart bleeds until yourveins run dry and shrivel. I hope your brain melts from the heat of rage you carry within. I hope you fucking rot from the inside out until you nothing but dust." 

       I had always wondered what heaven would look like. I mean, people have so many different opinions about what it is, who can go there, et cetera. Was it some beautiful paradise where you would reunite with your lost loved ones and wait for your other loved ones to come to you? Did going to heaven mean becoming an angel? A guardian angel, maybe? If I were in heaven, I would want to be Maeve's guardian angel. I would want to be someone who can protect her. That is, if I die before Maeve. Sorry about all this death stuff. I've just been thinking lately. It's not the good kind of thinking. I wish it would stop. But it can't. When your mind starts going to dark places, it's really hard to get out of them. I guess I'm just scared of being alive. Scared of all the things that could be coming my way. Dark storms on my horizon. Lately I didn't trust in anything turning out well. Why should I? I used to be so spritely, so enthusiastic when it comes to life and the outcomes of situations. And look at me now? Where had that gotten me? Well, for one, my father was coming home soon. I'm not sure when. I'm practically mute. I just can't find the words to describe what's happening to me. I don't have the words. Not for my mother, brother, anyone. Life used to be something I loved. What is there to love, now? Fall is growing colder and colder as we near winter, my least favorite season. It reminds me of those mornings you can't get up from bed. Those nights where it gets dark super early and you get tired, at, like, 5 o'clock. Since Monday, I haven't spoken a word to my mother. I've been going to school so that I don't have to see her. She doesn't even try to explain herself. Maybe it's because she knows that nothing that can come out of her mouth will make me forgive her even remotely. It's a sick game. How long can Cassie go without talking to her mother? Well, the answer to that one is forever. I can never, ever speak to her again. I can wither away and never speak to any of my family again. It sounds kind of cold, but it's just the way I've been feeling. Inconsolable. Beyond help anyone can offer. Maeve, of course, knows what happened. She's given me no reason not to trust her. I'll be loyal to her as her best friend forever. It's not always easy though. The grief took my voice away almost completely. Sometimes it's hard to talk to her, too. But it's Maeve. I have to speak to her or I'll hurt her. She'll think I'm mad at her. But she's my sunlight in a dark world. If I slip up, I could really, truly hurt her. It's so easy to do, in my position. Her heart is so easy to hurt because I have so much of it. Same with her. If she went away, if I hurt her, what would I do without her? I kind of know the answer deep down, but I'd never say it. It was a scary answer. One that I couldn't believe I had even thought. It was so unlike me. It's like I'm a completely different person. Same Cassie, but wilted. I trudged through an entire week of school where I just wasn't there. My soul and my happiness were somewhere else. Maeve said I looked gray. I wasn't surprised. I loved the outdoors, especially during the day. But lately during the day I'd just been wasting away behind a locked door. Sometimes my mom yelled at me for locking it, but I didn't even really care anymore. Usually when I go outside, I'd go out at night. I'd sit on the swingset in the backyard and stare up at the moon. It was tied up to an old willow tree in my backyard. I would stare up at the moon through the gaps of the drooping branches. Sometimes I'd cry. Sometimes I had no energy for that. Lately I have had no energy for anything. Each day feels almost like punishment. Mateo always wanted to play with me. Tag, hide'n'seek, Roblox. To each one, I'd say no, and I'd hear his sad footsteps leading away from my room. This always made me feel horrible. I feel like the worst sister in the world. All I did was stay in bed on the weekends and not talk to anyone, awaiting my fate. The day my dad would come home and he would have no patience for me. I could lock my door, but what good would that do? He's broken it down before, he could do it again. Come to think of it, I remember the night he first hit me. It had to do with my door being locked. It was April of sixth grade. It was really warm that night. I opened my windows and played music on my Alexa. I had been changing into my night clothes about 20 minutes before. Mateo was a lot younger then, and he had a tendency to just stroll right in when I was changing, so back then I had special permission (From my mom) to lock the door. Well, silly me, I forgot to unlock it. So my dad came home. He had had a very bad day at work. Annoying boss, grueling hours, gossipy coworkers. And boy, was he mad. He stomped down the hall outside my room (I couldn't hear because I was listening to music) and he began to pound on my door. He said my music was giving him a headache. He also threw some profanity in there. Then, I guess he wanted to turn my music off himself or something, because he tried the doorknob. Locked. And if one thing could get him mad, it was a locked door. He freaked out. He started yelling so much that I was too scared to open the door. I could barely even walk. He sounded so angry. Would he actually hurt me? I remember asking myself that. I'm sure we know the answer by now. Anyways, I didn't open the door. So, folks, I bet you can guess what happened from there. That was the last time I'd really sobbed before this whole dramatic instance. So anyways, I went back to school... again. On Tuesday. Yes, the day after the dramatic court incident, Cassie Vina got up before her family, got ready, and left the house just as the sun was rising. It was very cold. We were making the transition to winter, and winters here are always colder than cold. We could easily compete with Antarctica, I always say. And where did I go? Not to school, that's for sure. I walked a few blocks from my house to the bus stop. I showed the city bus driver my bus pass. I was kinda expecting her to be surprised. The whole thing being on the news shook a lot of people. When the bus driver lady peered over her glasses and saw the name on it, the color drained from her face. She motioned to the bus behind her as she spoke. "You just get right on here, honey, don't you worry about money and that. No one's on the bus at this time of morning, either. You just sit on down and I'll stop wherever you need." I shook my head. "Ma'am, I'm paying you for a service. This is your job and I have the right to pay you. It doesn't matter who I am. I am just your average American citizen taking public transit. Here you go," I say, and hand her my money. I guess that was one thing that was still the same about me. I still had fire in my speech. But not in my soul. It felt empty. Nothing could fulfill it. Not rollerblading, not Maeve, not drawing, not watching slashers, not making smoothies. Nothing could really help me anymore. I was in too deep. Anyways, I sat on the bus. I went further on it than I meant to. I just put on my headphones and let the bus take me. Before I knew it, I was on the other side of town. The glass of the bus window felt good against my skin. I was tired. My sleep hasn't been very good lately either. I would wake at random times in the night from bad dreams. I would lay there and stare at the ceiling. Tears would creep down from the corners of my eyes. And I would think. Think and think and think and let these mental waves of misery crash down on me until every inch of my soul is submerged. There's not much I can do anymore. "Miss?" I hear the bus driving talking over the music blasting into one ear. I always have my headphones in just one ear so that I can blast my music but also listen to what other people are saying. "Yes?" I say to the bus driver. "The next stop is the transit station, Miss. Is there anywhere you want me to drop you off?" I think. I don't know this part of town well. All I know is that there's a little gas station on a corner somewhere in this neighborhood. "Um... Just the Kwik Trip right over here, please." "O-okay. Um, I hate to ask this, but is there someone I need to call? The police? A family member?" I shake my head. "Just grabbing a snack before school." I say and walk off the bus, thanking her. I feel her eyes on me until I walk into the gas station. Why I'm here, I don't know. I just wanted to get away. SO that meant leaving early and getting out of my house. I'm sure Mom was awake by then and wondering where I was. I walk over to the refrigerators and grab a Monster, original flavor. I love Monster. It's one of my favorite drinks ever. It reminds me of better times. Summers spent on bikes with monster in hand. Sunlight and pools. Then, from the candy aisle I grab a big bag of Sour Patch Kids. They're my favorite candy. I remember one time I made Maeve, who can't handle sourness, try the green and yellow ones. She was not very happy in case you couldn't tell. This memory makes me smile a bit. "Will this be all?" The man behind the counter asks. He looks tired. He's middle aged, maybe thirty, with dark circles underneath his brown eyes. He smells of cigarette smoke. I nod. "That'll be 5.28," He says. I handed him the cash. I brought my purse with me. He hands me the change, wishes me a good day, yadda yadda. Heaven knows today won't be a good one. Nor will tomorrow or the next day or the next day. I walk outside and sit on the curb. I check my phone. 7:28. School starts in 30 minutes. I don't care much anymore. Maybe I'll go to school. Maybe not. I can see my breath, but I don't really care. I chill out underneath the warm sun and drink my monster. Mid-sip, my phone buzzes. It's my mom. Shoot. The text reads, "Where are you?" I swipe right on the message and ignore it. Two minutes later, I got a call from her. Ignored. Then, it's "Cassie, I'm calling the police." I draw in a sharp breath. This is one I can't really ignore. I'm not quite sure what to type. My text reads "huh". I put it down and try to relax again. But not for long. Sure enough, my phone screen lights up. "Are you at school?" She asks. I roll my eyes. No, and I won't be. If I do go to school today, it will just be to say hi to Maeve. The rest of the day is mine. To be free. Do whatever I want. Have control over my life for once. "Yup went early. school project." I type. She doesn't answer for a bit. Where would I go after this? Hm. Can't go to Maeve's. Can't go home. Maybe I'll go to a coffee shop. By the time I finish my monster, it's 7:49. Wow, I guess I really did it. There's no way I'm getting to school on time now. I'm really skipping school. I mean, me of all people? I start to walk. There's another bus stop a few blocks from here. I might as well get over to my side of town, but I can take my sweet time getting to school, if I even wanna show my face there. What's the point? It's not like anyone would notice or care. It's really nice out. The air is cold, sure, but the sun is warm and cheerful. Some birds chirp. My phone buzzes. Why won't Mom just leave me alone? I don't wanna talk to her. But my phone buzzes again. And again and again. Finally, I picked up my phone. My heart freezes as I see the name on the screen. Dad.