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Ramblings 1

Ever felt like you are standing in the amidst of nowhere? A massive fog covering your view of what's really there? Having your mind paralyzed by the thought of how you don't know where else to go? Or even how to stop a moving engine with a broken lever. You're just moving without doing anything, it makes your life feel pathetic. Deep down, you never really think that you would survive this long. After all the troubles that you have caused yourself and other people in the past. You expected things to end differently, things to end when you're no longer here. While everyone else forgets you and move on with their lives.

With all honesty, I felt like I cheated my way in life. Cheated as in, knowing how my life was gonna play out when I was younger and yet I wanted clarification, by enforcing certain experiences to actually happen. I changed because of my decisions and actions, I changed because of how people influenced my perspective. Along with the events, the amount of mistakes I've made and pain. I didn't change into someone who's good or bad, just complicated. Which is exactly how I view other human beings, complicated and yet intriguing.

What makes them draw my attention? The things that they do in their daily life, the way how they communicate with others, the way of how they do and handle things. What makes me hate it? The limitations we have and how easy it is to die. There's no specification on when you die, death can happen any time when you least expected it. But death can be avoidable or maybe it can't be.

We point fingers at life for how miserable we can be. When it doesn't really have to be, life isn't bad. It's the shit that humans do that contaminate its meaning and purpose. Well, do humans have a purpose to begin with? Guess that depends on how they view it, people associate their lives and purposes with their own philosophy. Nihilistic individuals may say that we never had purpose to begin with and I can't say I disagree. Although, the lack of meaning at the beginning is the reason why we construct and search for meaning in life. It all ends the way how we want it to be. End with nothing, it remains nothing. End with something, you end with something, never nothing.

Can't really make any claim, after all these are only 'subtle' and subjective thoughts. I was never the 'straightforward and objective' kind to begin with. Or maybe it's a paradox thing

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