Lights Are Missing (PART 1)

21.

I kept my head down all of physics class, scribbling down the notes that I was hearing. I didn't even look up when the teacher was handing me the homework assignment. Not taking it right away, not quickly skimming through it to write down the easy answers, I let it sit there on my desk as I kept my head down, knowing there was going to be a red mark on my forehead.

Leaving the homework to be done at home at least gave me something to do when I got home instead of being stuck in my thoughts any longer.

During lunch and gym, I skipped both by hiding myself in the bathroom because I was too weak to face the guys. I was too ashamed to. But it was kind of a pain having physics with them. I couldn't skip that class, so instead, I did everything I could to keep my eyes away from them.

The only thing I could think about was the kitten and the lamp. The sound of her gentle meows and the sound of the glass shattering. It was ringing in my ears. The thoughts I had in my head were weak and demanded nuance.

My stomach was doing flips even being so lifeless like that. Nothing felt worth it anymore. My feet were pointed inward towards each other. Everything was a little harder on me. Because now I wasn't just bored out of my mind, floating around in the somber life I lived, I was now suffering because I'd lost the only good thing in my life. My friends.

My salty relationship with Yeonjun just worsened things for my relationship with the other guys. I knew they were all still friends, still talking, likely mentioning my name and the fact that I'd skipped the only other 2 classes I had with them.

I don't think it was because they were being loud, but because subconsciously I was trying to focus on their conversation, their voices carrying over the rest of the class. Of course, the end of class was when I usually did all of my homework for the day, skimming through it all in a matter of minutes, but now I was just sitting there trying to get my thoughts straight.

Footsteps, familiar footsteps, perked my attention. I tensed a little as I heard them get closer. I knew who it was.

"Hey buddy, wanna come with us after school to the park?" Taehyun put a hand on my shoulder, patting me gently. His tone was warm and friendly. He was trying to handle me with care, make it seem like he didn't have a million different questions for me.

Telling him the truth would just make things worse. I couldn't just say no after ignoring them the whole day, that would just mean I was a bad person. Ignoring him completely would be even worse than that. So my only option was to say yes. But I didn't want to.

"Taehyun," Then the idea popped into my head, "I can't, I have to do my homework." I slowly lifted my head and stared at the paper on the corner of my desk that was falling half off of my desk, my elbow being the only thing keeping it from falling.

He sighed. I think he knew it was mostly a lie. Sure, I had homework, but only for physics, and the paper would only take me 20 minutes, if even. But I was thankful at least that he didn't budge. He just let it happen.

"Okay, well, when you finish with it and you decide you want to come meet us at the park, just let us know, okay?"

I nodded, "Alright."

We both knew the last thing I was going to do was meet them at the park. But maybe getting outside after I did my homework was exactly what I needed. Sitting there in complete silence wasn't really going to do me any good.

Another wave of depression washed over me though when I remembered a much better reason for saying the reason I couldn't go out. I was grounded. Which meant my mom wasn't going to let me out even if it was just for me to clear my mind, because that's something you can easily do when you're stuck in your bed.