Dear, Dear diary....

Diary Entry 12

August 27th 2011: Christmas 2009 (Part 2)

Oh diary, I wish I could say that our Grandmother was oblivious to the extent of the abuse our father put us through or at least put me through but she wasn't a stupid woman and the state he came out of our bedroom that night wouldn't have looked weird or innocent to her. She'd caught our father over the years in my bed on more than one occasion but her way of dealing with this was to ignore it and pretend like it wasn't happening.

I guess to some degree I understood this because this was how I dealt with it. I had never really spoken to JJ about it, as the fact he'd had to see it seemed enough but the only way I knew how to deal with it was to try and mpretend like it just wasn't happening, which was easy to do when no-one could see it happening.

However it didn't make it any easier to look her in the eye knowing not only that she knew but she never said anything to him or did anything about it. I knew JJ and I certainly couldn't because when we'd tried, it just landed us with a vicious beating on top of me being raped, in a more violent way than I could have ever imagined but I guess, as I said before that this is why I could never really forgive her, for just not even trying to doing anything about it.

I was promised by Dr Carter when he made me start this diary, that writing all these awful things down would help me process what had happened to JJ and I and that it would get easier over time to live with. However writing it all down in black and white and relieving it like this is almost worse than some of my nightmares, which can paralyse me with fear because they're not just images that run through my mind which I have no control over, whether I'm asleep or awake, but they also come with the real smells, feelings of pain and waking up still screaming.

I've tried to explain this to Dr Carter but he just reminds me that not only do I have to continue because it was part of a long list of things the court ordered after our fathers shooting but also that he truly believe that eventually it will help me. I however am still not convinced, so Dr Carter, you can note that and we'll see how this all works out in the end.

So let's move on to the joy of Christmas Eve 2009, when we woke up to our Grandfather crashing into our room, dressed completely in his camouflage gear, with a half smoked cigarette hanging from his mouth, looking eerily like an older version of our dad.

"C'mon you lazy asses! No time to be sleeping, it's Christmas Eve and that only means one thing, hunting!" He announced sounding the happiest we'd heard him since we'd arrived as we both rubbed our eyes and wondered what time it was when it was barely light outside.

"What time is it?" JJ asked in a groggy, half asleep voice and looked at his phone.

"You answering me back boy?" He asked him angrily as he glared at him.

JJ shook his head as I looked from him to our Grandfather as I propped myself up on my elbow, getting ready to jump out of bed if I needed too.

I don't know if it was age that seemed to have shrunk him slightly but as I stared at him, I realised that he no longer seemed to stand as tall as he used too. Having seen our father stand in that exact doorway many times, I knew all too well how he filled that space and not only in height but overall size, I could see that he was no longer standing as tall as he used too and that his build was smaller too.

However if he was physically shrinking his aggressive and angry presence certainly wasn't and still filled the room like smoke that would choke you any moment and the constant anger that filled his eyes like our fathers shone brighter than ever, just waiting for an excuse to unleash it on whatever poor unfortunate soul got in his way.

"No sir," he said quietly.

"You best not be boy or you'll be feeling the back of my hand! Now both of you, downstairs in five," He demanded before he walked back out again.