BLACKHOUSE [H.S.]

Fifty-One

I wanted to try, I was ready to try, but she didn't even want to hear it. Not that I blame her. I just wish she'd given me an opportunity to explain what happened. Even if she didn't forgive me after hearing it, I wish I could have at least gotten it out. Though I'm not sure I'd have been willing to hear me out, either.

I just want her to know how I feel about her, how I feel about all of it.

I can wait for you at the bottom
I can stay away if you want me to
I could wait for years if I gotta
Heaven knows I ain't getting over you

My bottom lip trembles, and I pinch my eyes shut tighter as the tears begin to build once again. I feel so fucking hollow without her. She has my heart. Whether she wants it or not, it's hers, and there's nothing I can do to change it.

Now that she's gone, all I'm left with is a gaping hole in my chest.

I never, ever thought I'd feel love again after Caroline. I was perfectly fine with being alone for the rest of my life, because I thought that that's what I deserved. Then Katie came along, and she shifted my entire world on its axis. She made me want to be a better man. She made me want to love, and be loved in return.

And I fucking ruined it.

I know the pain that you hide behind the smile on your face
And not a day goes by where I don't think I feel the same

I force myself to my feet, swaying slightly as my body shudders from the movement. I trudge into the living room, the mess of empty cans and bottles strewn about making me grimace.

I haven't cleaned in weeks, haven't been able to bring myself to do it. My life is a fucking shit show, why not have a home to match?

Keeping myself, and my living space together doesn't even fucking matter anymore. Nothing matters, except Katie.

Katie is gone, and so is the purpose that she brought to my life.

So will you wait me out
Or will you drown me out?
So will you wait me out
Or will you drown me out?

I reach into the pocket of my gray sweatpants to pull out the twin necklaces as I plop onto the couch, rotating the cool glass between my fingers as I think back to our first Christmas together.

And our last, I guess.

I'd never been as happy as I was at that moment, and from the look on her face, I knew she felt the same. I told her that these necklaces were proof that she's everything to me, and I meant it. I still mean it.

She will always be my entire world, the greatest love of my life. Even if she decides she wants nothing to do with me.

I can wait for you at the bottom
I can stay away if you want me to
I can wait for years if I gotta
Heaven knows I ain't getting over you

My chest tightens as I consider the possibility. The possibility that I've lost her forever, that I'm never getting her back. I've lost so many people in my life. My dad, Caroline, my mum - yet this? I don't think I could ever recover from this loss.

I convinced myself that all of those losses led me to her, and I truly believed that she was it for me. That she was the one.

The second I realized I loved her, I knew that I was utterly fucked, that I'd never feel this way about anyone else. I don't want to feel this way about anyone else.