Bound by Hearts

22. Red Tulips

I hadn't written a word in my novel. I could not touch a single grain of the molding clay. I could not swallow a single bite of food without feeling myself drowning in guilt and shame.

I am weak.
I am foolish.
I am disrespectful.
I am indeed a mistake.

She doesn't love you!

That one line that Aman had said had fucked up my whole mind and the moment I heard Amara say that she didn't love me I had felt my heart shattering.

No one would understand the need and craving to be loved by someone unless they were starving for it themselves.

I have faced a lot of things in my life. More than many people can see in all their lifetime combined in merely seventeen years of my life.

And most of it had been cruel and inhumane actions.

It was so painful to watch and endure since the age of six that I didn't know what else to expect. My trust on the good side of the world was almost little to none.

Children have heroes and role models.
And they look up to their parents for safety and shelter. For adoration and comfort. They need their parents to guide them to show them the world and that is what a parent should do. Yet, I had been ever so unfortunate in that department. One of my parents was a monster and the other was never there.

You, Don't trust anyone just because of your past and your current experiences.
You are so caught up with yourself.

Amara was right.
I had been caught up and reoccupied with my own problems. That I had completely forgotten that I had a princess who kept waiting for me all because I had written a few self made promises and expected her to follow them childishly.

And that made me feel all the more useless and extremely fucking annoyed at my very being.

However I knew one thing for certain.

I could under no circumstance fall inside the loop of self harming. I had just started to come out of it. And there is no way I am reversing all the effort that Amara and Eva di put on me to be who I am today.

I will not be the weak human who is so drowned in his own pain that he sees no one else. I can't be that person. Again.

Do you only care about yourself?

Yes.
Yes, I had only cared about myself up until this point.

My fascination and admiration for Amara had been mistaken by love.

I was not capable of loving.
I was not ready to love.

I was not who she deserved.
I doubted her in every step of the way.

Initially I doubted her choice of loving me and ignored her and then I dragged her back to myself. Then I kissed her and expected her to place her world at my feet but didn't want to date her.

And now after she had helped me survive.
To grow and understand that life is not all about giving up.
It is not about seeing the dark.
It is not a bed of roses. It is filled with thorns.

Just because a rose has thorns we don't destroy it. We understand that thorns are equally important for the rose to be what it is. We admire the beauty of the rose and that is what keeps us going on.

Similarly one had to find their own happiness in life. And if it could not be found they had to make it.

That was the reality of life.

And I needed to understand that.

My father maybe a monster.
That however does not give me the right to judge Amara without listening to her.