Stardust

what a dork

Please understand that I'm trying my hardest.

My head's a mess but I'm trying regardless. - Chase Atlantic

Conrad

One thing I've learned in the past few weeks is that, even when you're at the bottom of the pit, the planet keeps spinning. Life doesn't stop, it doesn't matter that my heart is broken. There's a party. A girl who keeps blowing my phone with messages. A brother and a friend who care too much about the way they're dressing. It comes and goes in waves. It always does. Dean Lewis said it, so it must be true.

- Jeremiah, for fuck's sake. - Steven shakes his head. - That shirt makes you look like one of those conservative dads who support Trump but also have a male prostitute on speed dial.

I turn to look at them, and Steven's assessment is weirdly on point. Polo shirts do wonders for aging people.

- That was very specific. - Jeremiah adds while tossing the shirt in his bed and trying another. - Is there something you need to tell us?

- Yeah, that he's reading too much fanfiction. - I drop my phone on Jere's dresser, not replying to any of the messages Nicole sent me. - That Wattpad thing is bad for you.

- First of all, I'm not on Wattpad. I'm an AO3 boy through and through. - Steven turns to me, a humorous glimmer in his expression. - And second of all, there's no such thing as too much fanfiction.

Jeremiah and I exchange a glance but don't say anything.

Once they find a shirt that Steven approves, the two start arguing about perfumes, so I step out. I love these morons to death, really, but I'm not gonna watch them take 10 minutes to decide between 2 perfumes that smell the same.

I'm on my way to talk to mom and let her know we're leaving when I run into Belly in the kitchen. She's in her swimsuit, probably coming from the pool.

- Hey. - She smiles as soon as she sees me. - Are you guys leaving already?

- Yes. - I lie. Steven and Jeremiah will probably take a while to get ready, as usual. - I'm just gonna let my mom know.

I feel bad for doing this type of thing sometimes. It's not that I don't like spending time with Belly, she's a nice girl, but the heart eyes are unsettling. I'm afraid to even breathe the wrong way and give her false hope somehow, but I also don't wanna verbally reject her and create a conflict between our families, especially when mom needs her best friend more than ever.

- Cool. - Belly hesitates for a second before continuing. - Uh, how's Aubrey doing?

Fuck my life.

- She's with her parents in Greece. - Technically not a lie, I'm just omitting our breakup. - But she's fine.

- Susannah told me you guys broke up. - She replies softly, as if she's testing the waters, and I mentally curse my mother. I fell into the trap. I'm not sure how Belly's gonna spin this omission as me liking her, but she'll find a way. - But she didn't say why.

- We broke up a few months ago.

I don't explain. My mother doesn't know why Aubrey and I aren't together anymore, no one does. People at school think we ended things because we're going to college on opposite sides of the country, a fair assumption, but that's not the case.

The truth is that we broke up because Aubrey wanted to have sex and I didn't. She didn't try to force me or anything, not once, but eventually it became too much. Aubrey doesn't know that the reason I didn't wanna do it was because of Stella, and I don't plan on her finding out. I kept telling myself dating another girl was me moving on, but that was pure bullshit.