Stardust

the library incident

My anxiety tells me

That you're better without me

Now I'm crying alone - Mckenna Grace

2 and a half years ago...

Stella

I'm a coward. A little girl hiding in the shadows, scared of facing the consequences of her actions. And that's why, instead of being at Thanksgiving dinner with my siblings and the Fishers, I'm hiding in their library.

Their house is insane, which is ironic coming from me. My home might be bigger, but it's not fancy. There's always dog and kids toys in the corners, Julia's drawings and newspaper clippings of my performances take over the refrigerator, mom's photos are everywhere and dad's scribbled lyrics can be found on post-its, napkins, grocery store bags, corners of furniture, literally anywhere. Our house is cluttered but in a good way.

The Fisher's house screams class. Not a speck of dust is seen anywhere, there's nothing out of place, the white carpet doesn't have stains and they have a piano that doesn't have any bite marks in it. I wish I could say Freddie was the one who bit dad Billy's piano, but it was Julia when she was a baby. The house has two floors, a patio, 8 bedrooms, two living rooms, a fancy kitchen, an office for Adam, and a painting room for Susannah.

And of course, my favorite part, the library. It has those moving stairs like Beauty and the Beast, a fireplace, comfy chairs for reading, and a lot of paintings Susannah made over the years.

I'm here because I'm hiding from Conrad. This is the first time we've seen each other after what happened at the neon party, he left for training camp the very next day. I couldn't look at him. Still can't. Part of me is scared Belly will see the guilt in my eyes if she catches me looking. Or that Steven will notice the tension. Or worse, Laurel and dad John. I have no idea how they'd react if they found out what I did. Or everything else that happened since that night.

I'm different now. I don't write music anymore. I barely sing these days. My hair is blond, for fuck's sake. Life is wrong.

I'm too distracted in my mind to notice someone walking in until said person has locked the door. I cover my mouth with my hands. I know that stride. I know who's the only person in the family that keeps the library keys in his keychain.

- I know you're here. - Conrad says, his voice empty of any emotion. - I'm not in any hurry. We might as well be here until someone notices we're both gone.

Asshole. Fucking jerk. He knows this is the last thing I want.

- The choice is yours, Star.

My old nickname stings. Everyone stopped using it because I asked them to. It doesn't feel right. After what happened....

I stand up and walk from behind the shelf. The shots I did with my brother and Jeremiah earlier are buzzing in my bloodstream. Conrad is on his mother's chair. There are two options: Adam's chair or the little bench Susannah lays her feet at when she's reading here. I sit on the bench, my eyes on the fluffy carpet.

- What do you want?

Conrad leans over, hooks his fingers under my chin and carefully lifts my face. The anger in his eyes melts away, replaced by something that looks a lot like concern.

- I just wanna talk. - His voice is softer now. The grip of his fingers on my face is firm, but not painful.

- We have nothing to talk about. - I force myself to say the words I've been rehearsing ever since Belly told me we'd be spending Thanksgiving here. - We made a mistake. That's it, that's all that happened. No use talking about it.