You don't have to suffer alone

chapter 10

We were both deep in our conversation that we didn't hear the bell ring and we're officially late for class. We decide to skip it and hangout in the cafetaria together until our next lesson. 

We're just talking, laughing and getting to know each other. We're having so much fun and we realise we have a lot of the same interests, it's just so nice to have someone with you to make you laugh. It makes life a whole lot easier.

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It's the end of the schoolday and i'm absolutely exhausted. I'm waiting for Charlie to pick me up and i didn't even realise he's next to me, i'm so out of it. "Hey Luna, are you ready to go hun?" he asks me and that snaps me out of my thoughts. "Wha- uhmm- y-yeah" i respond a little confused on how he was next to me all of the sudden. 

We drive home and the drive is silent, a nice, comfortable silence. My head hurts so much and i'm exhausted so i love the silent car ride.

When we arrive home i go straight to my room and fall onto my bed. Today was rough, school in general is rough. I'm exhausted.

Before i know it i jolt awake from a knock on my bedroom door "yeah" i reply while trying to wake up. Apparently i fell asleep for some time. Charlie enters my room "i'm sorry i didn't mean to wake you up, dinner is ready when you are" "it's okay, i'll be down in a sec" i say sitting up, trying to feel more awake.

When i come downstairs to eat Nick and Charlie both look at me and i'm confused. They look like they're disappointed in me or something. My stomach turns and i feel nerves through my whole body. "Why are you guys looking at me like this? You're stressing me out" i admit, needing answers right now.

"Why did you skip two lessons today? You know you have a pass, was something wrong?" Charlie asks me while i sit down at the table, i relax a little bit because i expected way worse and i expected yelling. "Ivy and i checked up on each other and we just got into a deep conversation about our anxiety, and then we were already late for class so we decided to hang out in the cafetaria, to get to know each other more and just relax a little bit while talking, i'm really really sorry." 

"No apologising" Nick smiles at me and i giggle a little bit remembering that they said the word sorry is banned. "It's good to take time with friends to get to know them and talk about your struggles together. I'm proud of you for telling Ivy about your anxiety, one step at a time and she will gain your trust honey" Nick says to me while hugging me and i feel so relieved that they're not mad at me, i'm trying so hard to get used to not having fights about literally everything.

We eat our dinner in silence and then i go back to my room, laying down on my bed. I can feel myself starting to overthink and spiral about my first therapy session tomorrow. My chest tightens, i sit up right away and suddenly i can't breathe.

I know i can't calm myself down and i know i should ask for help but my mind screams for me to grab my blade out of my nightstand drawer. I really don't want too, i really want to try and fight it. When a moment of clarity hits me i decide to go downstairs and ask for help.

This is the biggest step for me ever, i've never done this before and i'm scared but i know i can trust them. And in order for them to be able to show that to me, i need to do this. 

I go downstairs and enter the living room kinda panicked. Nick and Charlie both look at me and immediately run over to me when they see my tears falling. "What's wrong?" Nick asks me while wiping away my tears, which is useless because they keep falling.

"i-i- an-anxi-ety" i try to talk but it's hard, my breathing is so shallow. "Hey Lun look at me, in through your nose, out through your mouth, in for 4, out for 6. Let's do it together okay?" Nick asks me and i slightly nod my head, trying to focus on him the best i can. 

After some breathing i sink down to the floor, feeling too exhausted to keep myself up. I fall into Charlie's arms crying and he hugs me tightly. "What were you thinking about?" he asks me and i try to respond while sobbing "t-th-e-ra-py."

The feeling of wanting something sharp against me, isn't gone still and i hate it, i don't know how to get rid of it except for letting it win. I clench my hands into fists, digging my nails into my hands and it feels good.

"Is there something in particular you're the most scared about, or just everything?" Nick asks me and i really don't know an answer to his question. "j-just e-every-thing." 

"Remember that we're coming with you, until you feel a 100% comfortable and safe to do it on your own, we're not leaving you alone. We can help you when you shut down and if it helps you we could write stuff down together and bring it with us to help you talk about everything?" Nick suggest and i immediately relax more. They have the best things ready to help me and i love it. "G-good i-idea" i smile and we start making a list together. 

Later that night we're finished and i go to bed feeling much more relaxed then before. But still, this therapy session is going to be so incredibly difficult, i hate it.