I will never understand
What makes this
So difficult
If nothing were to change
Id still feel the shift
That drift from the mainland
Because Ive been there
Countless times
I can recognize the signs
I know when people are done
I know when im no longer fun
And when my course is run
Ive had to stand by and watch
Houseguests, take
sledgehammers to my home.
Ive watched things burn more times
For who I am,
Then for what.
And Im well aware that nobody
Nobody sticks around.
Not forever.
Its not something I mean to do
Im trained to wait,
For the shoe to drop.
Its a response to years of this,
Depreciating self worth,
Seeding doubt in me.
That when something happens
When a conversation feels too forced
When im denied i,
Im right back where I was.
Im on that bike,
And im pedaling for my life.
My feet are bleeding and my legs are cramping
And my lungs are exhausted
And im a kid
Im a kid who had to go through something he shouldn't have had to.
Im a kid who is ruined.
Im there whenever I smile
Im there believing that I should stop because he told me to.
That I shouldn't enjoy it because of how much it hurt.
That if and only if im redeemed I can be healed.
That I can be allowed to smile without feeling the ulcer.
