Empty. Struggling.
How do you explain to people outside yourself how heavy everything is? Escapism into games and fiction has become a world of lethargic norm. My mind no longer has the strength to be productive. Only the actions from outside me are enough to propel me. Characters from books and anime show greater ambition. My heroes have never been real people. There's something fundamentally flawed about that. Further anchoring me in this fictional hellscape.
There's a whole world to experience and grow from. At my very fingertips are oceans of websites to learn from. The ability to connect with anyone on this planet is mine for the taking. All the while I'm so alone. I fail to live and give any example for my son to aspire to. Every action only leads him to follow me into throwing away yet another hour, another day. That or leave me behind. Walking, instead, a healthy path. There was a time I thought I had done the same to my own family. Now, I don't know if I or they are the more dysfunctional. My greatest lesson for my son is to become anyone else but me. That my sins and vices must never be his.
"Through sickness and health." Is this a sickness or what healthy me always has looked like? I don't remember not being like this. I must have been. She would never have fallen for me as I am. It was my determination that got me this job. It sparked her realization that she could work where she was also valued for the amazing worker she is.
My wife deserves an assertive man to lean on and walk along side. What husband needs to be carried by his wife repeatedly? A thousand and one started projects but none finished. Ask a wife to take on the Herculean task of pushing her husband to finish every task, and it will only rob her of her own energy. "We complement each other," I would always say.
Dreamer. Idealist. Romantic.
This was how I envisioned myself. Now I wonder if it was a beautiful way to describe a quitter. Dreams without action, ideals without power, passion without maintaining the precious, plain moments in between, are all folly. It's the fallback of a man too lazy to build anything real.
