You don't have to suffer alone

chapter 2

My first feelings about Nick and Charlie are good but i don't want to make conclusions too soon because that ended bad before. They're really nice, but i don't know who to trust and who not so i'll take it easy and give myself time to feel safe again.

I let myself fall on the bed, i'm so overwhelmed already and the day isn't even over yet. All these new things happening it's really stressing me out not knowing if i'm safe or not and if i can trust them. I hate new things and new people.

The schoolyear starts in three weeks and i'm going to a new school, so yeah, more new things, great. I need to stop thinking about everything going on right now because i'm going to give myself an anxiety attack if i keep overthinking like this.

I really don't know how i'm going to hide everything that's going on with me lately, i don't want to share my feelings but it's been getting harder and harder to hide how i feel. If Nick and Charlie knew what broken mess they adopted they will probably kick me out.

My PTSD is been getting worse again and i've been really depressed for almost a year now. My anxiety is been getting bad lately too, with all these changes happening i've been really stressed out and on edge and i don't know if i'm able to hide that.

"Lunch is ready" Charlie yells upstairs and i jumped from the screaming and i can feel my eyes fill with tears but i try to shake it off and go downstairs.

"We made toast, eggs and pancakes i hope you like any of that" Nick says to me when i walk into the kitchen "i l-love all of t-those t-thanks" i say shakily still because of the screaming but i'm really trying not to let it affect me.

"Hey you okay?" Nick asks me, shit he probably heard my shaky voice. I really need to hide my feelings better. "mhm" is all i can get out of my mouth and i fake a smile. I don't want to cry in front of them and especially not on my first day being here. They wouldn't understand.

We sit down at the table and i grab some pancakes with fruit. I can't focus on eating, the only thing repeating in my head is the screaming and i can feel myself slipping into a flashback while my eyes fill with tears. I get snapped out of my thoughts by Nick "do you want some tea or water maybe?" "uhmm w-water is f-fine" i say.

"Are you sure you're okay? I know it's going to take time to trust us and i understand, but we do wanna make sure you're okay?" Nick says and i think it's so nice, he looks genuinely concerned but i still don't know if i can trust them or not and until then i'm not going to share anything. "yeah i- i'm okay." 

Nick smiles at me and stands up to get some water for everyone. He tries to grab some glasses and one of them falls out of the cupboard and it shatters on the ground, it makes a loud noise and i jump up from my chair. 

All the glass shattering sends me over the edge and my heart starts racing, i can feel myself slipping into a flashback. My dad screaming at me, hitting me if i drop something or if i make too much noise. I feel like i'm suffocating and i can't get the flashback to stop. 

~ Nick's POV ~

Luna is looking really uncomfortable when she came downstairs. I asked her if she was okay and she says she is. It feels like she's zoning out throughout lunch and i ask her if she wants some water.

I try to grab some glasses so i can give everyone some water but one of the glasses fall out of the cupboard and it shatters on the ground. It makes some noise and the glass shatters everywhere, Luna jumps up from her chair looking really stressed out and i want to give her a hug to calm her down so bad but i know i shouldn't make sudden movements.

Luna starts breathing quicker and quicker while looking around really panicked. I look over at Charlie and he looks at me, then at Luna and then back at me and he quickly stands up.

She's staring at one point in the distance while her breathing increases. She covers her ears with her hands panicking really bad. I don't know what's wrong but i'm really concerned, did the glass trigger her maybe? I feel really bad if it did. 

"Hey Luna can you take some deep breaths" i try while slowly moving closer to her with Charlie. But as we do she stumbles back a bit "p-pl-ease d-don't h-hit m-me, g-go a-way" she says in between breaths. "Luna can you tell us what you see?" Charlie asks because Luna keeps staring at one certain point. Sometimes she shuts her eyes really hard and opens them again.

"n-no p-pl-ease do-n't t-touch m-me" she says sounding really scared and she tries to push something but nothing's there. Her whole body is tensed up and shaking. "i don't know what to do Nick" Charlie says to me worried. 

"Luna, it's Nick, can you hear me?" i try and she slightly nods. "Please try and focus on my voice okay? I don't really know who you think is here but the only one's here are me, you and Charlie. There's no one else in the room here, no one is going to hurt you, you're safe here. Can you sit down with us?" i explain as calmly as i can, trying not to freak out myself. 

She closes her eyes and nods, she stumbles a bit while sitting back down on her chair. I kneel down in front of her and Charlie stands beside her "is it okay if i touch you Luna?" Charlie asks and she hesitantly nods her head. Charlie starts rubbing her back hoping to calm her down. 

"Can you open your eyes for me and follow my breathing" i ask and she slowly opens her eyes as if she's expecting the worst. She looks around the room, panic still written all over her face and then she looks at me. "Lets do in for 4 seconds and out for 6 seconds together alright?" she nods and follows my breathing and her whole body starts calming down. I take a deep breath myself too, feeling relieved that she's alright. 

She lets out a sigh and wipes the tears from her eyes "i- i'm s-so s-sorry" she says fidgeting with her hands, i already see a lot of my anxiety habits in her and i just feel so bad. "you don't have to apologise for anything Luna" Charlie says now kneeling down in front of her too even though she's avoiding eye contact as much as she can. 

"Do you want to tell us what happened? You don't have too if you're not comfortable" i say. "i-i'm sorry i c-can't" she says sounding dissapointed in herself. "it was just a PTSD flashback" she says as if it's the most normal thing on the planet. 

"We're here if you want to talk, but it's okay if you're not ready for that yet, we understand" Charlie states and she smiles a bit.

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The day goes by really fast, we played some games with Luna and we talked for a while getting to know each other. We ordered some take away pizza and watched Luna's favorite movie, Mean Girls. 

We now know that Luna loves to read and Charlie and i already planned on buying her a bookshelf as a surprise tomorrow. 

"Thanks for today, i'm going to bed now" Luna says. "goodnight Luna, we hope you're going to feel at home here" i say "hope you sleep well" Charlie says and Luna goes to bed.