Closer than most

# 002

Eva Phillips 

"How do you feel?" I hate that question, it's the question that makes me wonder if I should answer truthfully or take the short route out. My mind wants to scream 'No. no. I'm not alright. Every fucked up thing that has ever come up in my life is making a return just ten times worse!' but I don't, because then I have to explain what fucked up things are returning. So, I just answer with a simple "I'm fine, what about you?" That word. fine. Nobody's ever fucking fine. You're either great or bad - there is no fine. "This isn't about me. It's about you." It's never about me. It's always about my dad, or my brother. Never me.

"Eva." Names are just simple words that you live with, mines not. "Don't call me that." I make eye contact with the woman for the first time in the session; she's already staring at me.

What's the point of Therapists? They're just random people hoping to receive my trust so I can tell them everything as if we were childhood friends. "What do you want me to call you?" my mind wonders at this question, there's so many possible answers, so many different ones I've given out in the situation, I think before I land on a new one "Cora'' she takes a deep inhale "Okay, Cora" I don't like the way she said the name slowly as if I'm insane, she doesn't know anything about me. "Answer the question again, put more depth into it." Depth? "Okay." I take a pause before continuing "I'm fine because I had a donut this morning." That's a lie - I haven't eaten anything since last night.

"Oh yeah? What type of donut?" She questions "Chocolate." My answer is simple but gets the point across. "How did it make you feel after finishing it?" I pause before my answer "How is this conversation helping me?" she sighs and takes a glance at the clipboard in her arms, she takes her off her right leg from it's position of resting on her left one and swaps the roles; Her left is on her right now. 

"These sessions are to help you as a human, they can help you to communicate you're feelings in a more gentle way." She looks down "They're not just here for us to talk about your trauma." i let out a sigh, letting her know her words are boring me. 

"Okay then, if that's all you wanted to talk about I think it's safe for me to leave." I slap my hands on both my thighs and stand up "Cora" I holt in my tracks. 

"How did you feel when it was happening?" I close my eyes and slowly open them, sitting in my previous position of the armchair. "How did you first feel?" I let out a pained laugh "What part of my life are we talking about?" I pause "The part where I was raped, the part where I was mentally and physically abused, or the part where my mother died in my arms?" I slightly raise my voice out of anger but slowly manage to settle down. 

"How did you first feel when you saw your mother?" I don't know how therapists do it; how is it they stay so calm when others raise their voice or shout at them? "I felt frozen." You often hear about how people in bad situations either fight or flight. I thought I could be fight if I came face to face with any bad situation, but that's not reality. Reality isn't either of the options. 

Reality is the other option. The one no one talks about. 

Freezing. 

Because, in that moment I couldn't do anything. I couldn't even move a muscle to try and help my mother. "When I think back to it now I blame myself for it." Jill tilts her head in confusion "And why is that?" 

"Because if I didn't freeze like I did I would have be able to prevent it. I could've held the wounds for longer, I could've used my time to call an ambulance. But I didn't. I didn't do anything." She licks her lips "It wasn't your fault." She attempts to reassure me "None of the bad things that have happened to you were your fault. So, stop blaming yourself for things you couldn't help." I play with my rings out of habit "okay." her eyebrows furrow "Just okay?" I nod my head "Yes" her eyebrows go back to their usual state "So you don't thing it was your fault anymore?" I let out a shaky breath "not anymore" Lie. Lie. Lie. Liar.