Adam's Apple Pie

Twelve - A Bad Boyfriend

The next day was when I had previously agreed to take Charlie to the clinic again. Normally I'd be jumping for joy over this, as I got to see Gayle again. But all the joy had been sucked out of me, like a liposuction surgery sucking the fat out of some overweight cow that couldn't be bothered to do the slightest form of exercise. I pulled up to their house. Their large, white house, so pristine and clean. I almost felt that Gayle and Anna were making fun of me with showing how clean their lives were.

No. I couldn't think like that. They hadn't done anything wrong, it was just me overanalysing everything. I took a breath and exhaled, just hoping I could get through this morning.

I barely said a word to Gayle and Anna the whole journey. The little one barely made a peep, which I appreciated as it made the drive tolerable. The traffic wasn't too bad either. I let Gayle and Anna have their little conversations in Anna's language, deciding not to join in. Even if I wanted to, I doubted I could add anything of note. I just focused on the road. I had to think, had the road always been this long? It seemed to stretch out to an empty space, never ending and with no goal in sight. Just a long road leading to nowhere. Had it always been this long? Or was I imagining it?

Shit. That's all it really amounted to. Utter shit. I was just one big turd ready to get flushed down the toilet that was life. I was little more than dirt that was stuck to the shoe of greater giants, hopefully being carried along to some better place before being wiped off. I was just-

"Adam?"

Had Gayle been talking to me all this time? Jesus, now I just felt like a dickhead for ignoring her. "Sorry, Gayle. Yeah, you were saying?"

"I said, I saw your sister the other day."

Julie was still around? "Yeah?" I asked. "What about her?"

"I offered her my condolences for your Mum, but she said she was in a Care Home," Gayle replied, confused. "I thought you said that your Mum was dead?"

"I did say that, didn't I?"

That's the problem when you lie; you have to keep track of things and make sure no one can contradict you. To me though, I didn't exactly lie. As far as I'm concerned, Mum was dead to me. Luckily, Gayle didn't question me further about it.

We eventually arrived at the clinic and I parked up my car in the park across the street. Gayle and Anna got out, taking Charlie with them. I think she was asleep at this point as she was deadly silent, maybe she was asleep the whole journey for all I knew.

"You coming, Adam?" Gayle asked.

"What?" I gasped. "Oh, no... no it's ok. I'll stay here."

"It's ok, you can stay with us," Gayle said.

"No, it's fine," I replied. "I... didn't much sleep last night, so I might just catch up here. If that's ok?"

"Sure," Gayle replied, her eyebrows narrowed. "Adam. Are you all right?"

"No, my life is falling apart! I've learned that I've waste my entire life doing nothing and now I don't know what I'm going to do. My life is shit! It's always been shit! I hate myself and I'm wondering if I'd be better off not alive!"

That's what I wanted to say.

"Yeah, all good here," is what I ACTUALLY said. "You go to your appointment. I'll be waiting here."

"Ok," Gayle said. "We shouldn't be too long."

Gayle and Anna left with baby in tow. I was alone with my thoughts.

And little was more dangerous that than.

I had a chance to reflect on everything. Every failure. Every fuck up. Every attempt to make my life better and ended up making it worse. And yet, I didn't feel like any of this was my fault. I did everything that I could, I played by all the rules that were set out and yet I never got off the starting line. It was like I was doomed from the start, dealt the wrong hand without being given a chance to have a second one. All I wanted was to know what my purpose was. Was that too much? Could I just catch a fucking break once in a while?