that one stained shirt | mark lee

adore you

Mark came home a little after half past six.

I was lying on the couch, dressed in his T-shirt and sports shorts, reading something on my phone. I heard the jingle of his keys and sat up, keeping the injured leg still. When he stepped into the room, I immediately smiled. But it took him a second to notice me.

He headed straight to the kitchen, grabbed something from the fridge, and let out a tired sigh. I managed to stand up and limp after him. His back was pressed against the counter, his head hanging low, cooling down against the bottle of milk. He didn't look good. Either overworked or something must have happened.

"Mark?" I voiced out quietly and he swiftly turned to me. I must have scared him. "Are you okay?"

He first inspected me, looking for something evident that had made me stay at his. "Are you okay?"

"I asked first," I retorted, reaching for the milk bottle. "Does your head hurt?"

He gulped while averting my gaze but nodded. "Yeah. It was a hard day today."

"You wanna talk about it?" I offered, but he shook his head.

"No. I wanna know what's happened to you. Haechan said something about-"

"Haechan? So Sarah does talk to him, huh?"

"That's not the point now, Jess," he stressed and stomped towards the couch. "We can be dating coaches later. We you at a hospital?" He sounded genuinely concerned. Any joking mood left me. I stared into his eyes and nodded slowly. His hands shot into his hair. "Jesus."

"But it's nothing serious, really-"

"Jess, no," he pleaded. "I wanna hear what happened."

This side of him almost scared me. If it was me who made his day harder, I should just leave and give him space to rest. But at the same time, I wanted to hug him and assure him, that everything was okay. That he didn't have to worry so much.

I took his hand and made him sit down next to me. He watched me put my leg up. I waited if he'd let go of my hand, but he didn't. So I didn't either. It confuses me too, Mark, played in my head at the sight of our intertwined fingers. More and more every time I'm with you.

I felt his intense stare, the one that demanded answers, honesty and truth. So I gave it to him. I told him every detail of the story, how it all happened, all my reasons, all of the things that ran through my head before the accident. But I didn't watch his reactions. It was already hard to bear the guilt, knowing that he had been sick-worried about me because of my carelessness.

When I finished, I waited for him to say something, anything.

But he kept silent. His hand still held mine, but it wasn't moving.

I tried so hard not to look up. But I was also so curious about why he wasn't responding. So I lifted my eyes to him. And my heart broke.

"You could have died," Mark whispered, tears rolling down his cheeks. I held my breath to not start crying too. "You could have been gone, Jess."

"I know," I whispered back, squeezing his hand. "But I am not. I am well and-"

"You could have died and I'd never tell you how I feel about you."

My body froze, but my heart picked up a pace. "H-how you feel about me?"

He moved closer to me.

"Yeah, Jess. I didn't know how to tell you. I didn't even know what it really was I was feeling. But I do now. When Haechan told me about you being in a hospital, I... I felt helpless. Like all I could do was to dance, but you needed me somewhere else and I couldn't get there. I imagined things that could have happened. The worst ones even."

"But I had called you before Haechan told you."

"Yeah, you did. But the only thing you told me was, that you needed to stay at mine. I can't read minds, Jess. It could have happened after that call."

That was true. Sarah must have called Haechan after she'd dropped me at Mark's apartment. Another wave of guilt washed over me.

"And the moment I realized how much I got scared, that was when it hit me," he paused and looked me straight in the eyes, preparing for something so full and deep, that I almost felt it even before he said it. Tears built up and were waiting for me to let them spill. Say it, I begged wordlessly. Say it so I know if what you feel is the same.

"You mean so much to me. So much that I was willing to sabotage my job to go find you. Back when I drove you from the pub, you told me how much you wanted me. Physically. At that time, I fairly agreed with you, because look at yourself, Jess. You're the prettiest girl I have ever laid my eyes on. Having you like that would be a lottery win. But then, I don't know when exactly it happened, it became something more. It got deeper. It wasn't just about how your body moved, but how you smiled. How you smelled when I hugged you. How you trusted me with your problems. How I was the first person you called in the middle of the night. How you always knew what to say to my remarks. How you felt good with me. How you were you and how great it looked on you. How much I wanted to spend time with you. Every single day. And I realized that I liked you. Maybe even more than that," he paused to take a slow deep breath. "I can't imagine being without you, Jess. Maybe we started as a pretend, but I am not pretending anymore. I can't. All of this is real. For you. And you only."

I knew my face was drowned in tears and smeared mascara. But I didn't care. My heart was swelling with love and pain at the same time, aching from all the things he didn't say but I knew were there. It pained me from my own affection, the little details that I started to love about him, the genuine care I hadn't felt in years. There was so much I wanted to say, but no words would ever be enough.

Watching him waiting for an answer was killing me. But there was only one way to solve it.

I leaned forward and reached for his shirt. My fingers clenched around the fabric and pulled him closer, just enough so that I could place my hands on his cheeks. A warm breath hit my nose. I looked at Mark for a brief second before connecting our lips and pouring all my unpronounced feelings into the kiss.

Now we were both real. To ourselves. To one another.

And even though it might have had no impact on others, which meant a successful mission, it had a big one on us. Cause now there was only love binding us together. Not a single piece of a signed paper.