Something New | Taraji x Fantasia

The Color Purple

Our shoot for the last scene of The Color Purple has finally come. The journey from the beginning has been hard.

Starting this journey, I had no one. I felt isolated to my experience , like I was solely responsible for what happened. I would not be honest if I didn't say that I still feel like I am to blame.

Good morning mamas baby. I say as I hear the footsteps of my son entering the kitchen.

Good morning mommy! I'm not a baby anymore. I'm a big boy. Followed by his pout that made me chuckle. Where's daddy? He questions walking closer to my open arms.

Well, daddy had to get to an early morning meeting with his team. Mom will take you to school. I say with amusement but he lacked some.

Oh, come on. We can go to the mall after school to get the toy you wanted, just you and me. I say bent down in front of my son rubbing his hand and face.

Come on, let's sit down and eat some breakfast.

Unlike other mornings, I was also busy. The phone rings with my assistant calling, he wants to go over the contract for The Color Purple. I ask if we can set a meeting time later due to my morning plans changing and having to drop my son off to school. I tried to get myself out of an extended conversation. I move to the room across the hall from the kitchen

Both of our plates were on the counter. We were starting to teach him taking initiative and doing little things on his own like pick his outfit for school, tying his own shoes, and grabbing what he need in the kitchen that was approved. We still had child locks on most of the appliances and cabinets. We created his own system so he can grab a snack if he wanted to.

I only stepped away for a few minutes to have the conversation. We did not talk about me being away from home for the film yet. I was only gone for a few minutes. 

I came back to find him wheezing and losing color. I grabbed his epi pen and inserted it in his thigh immediately. By that time he was starting to lose consciousness from the lack of air and I did not know what else to do. I grabbed the car keys and rushed to the hospital.

I felt foolish for taking my eyes off of him. I plated both of our foods so I could get the morning moving as efficient as possible. He grabbed the wrong plate.

*Knock*

I enter the office.

Therapist: Hello Fantasia, welcome to our session. Let's start with following up on what we spoke about last session.

I've been opening up about the loss of my son in the therapy. This week during our previous session was the first time I was able to recall the events of that morning.

Fantasia: Sure. After thinking back to that day I can't help but feel guilty that I was not in the room when it happened but just a room over.  How could I have been so stupid to leave his allergen out. I was not thinking, I was moving too fast.

Therapist: I hear you highlight feeling guilty because you were not in the room when it happened, that is a valid to feel. I want us to talk about the feeling of guilt a bit more. Is that okay with you?

We completed our session working through feelings and how they have shown up during my grief process.

Lesson 3:  Grief does not have a set end date, we don't know when it ends but we know when it starts.