DIVERGENT: Tobias (Watty Award Winner 2013)

Chapter 21

Chapter 21

The night ends as I reluctantly watch Tris walk away from me, towards the initiates' room. My mind has been kicked into overdrive. All of my emotions are threatening to drown me. And I let them. They're good emotions, good feelings. My amazement at her actions. My excitement when my lips touched hers. Just her. She makes me feel so... alive.

It's like I've become someone new. Like I've transformed from Four, the instructor who doesn't belong, and Tobias, the scared boy from Abnegation, to a mixture of the two. It's just that I'm not scared anymore and I do belong now. There is someone who understands me exactly. And I love it!

I practically run back to my apartment as soon as Tris is no longer in view. I stare at myself in the mirror, thinking that because I've had such a complete inner change, there might also be a physical change. But the only difference I see is the huge smile that I can't seem to get rid of. And who cares? I haven't smiled this much in ages. And it's comforting to know that I still can smile after everything that I've had to go through.

But I still feel like there should be some kind of physical change. I'm not just Four anymore, I'm Tobias too. Before I can understand what my hands are doing, there are scissors in my hands and hair is falling to the ground. My hair. It's obvious what'ss going on. Being Tobias means being abnegation, with short hair. But I'm still Dauntless. This is just a piece of me that I've been hiding, a piece that I can finally let loose.

When I'm done, I lay down on my bed and relive the last couple of hours. It seems so crazy that I was nervous about showing Tris my fear landscape. Why should I have been nervous? She was so accepting and genuine and kind and amazing and... mine.

Just thinking about her being mine forces an even larger smile to crowd my face. And that kiss... to think that I thought she hated me. But she doesn't. Far from it in fact. She cares. She cares about me like no one else has before. And I care about her. I feel something for her, something that I never thought was possible to feel. I already told her that I like her, but I'm not sure if I was being completely honest with her.

It's just the more I get to know her, the more I see how incredible she is, even if she can't see it. I see it. I see her. She has this way of holding my gaze. Maybe it's her piercing eyes or her gentle touch. And now that she knows about me I'm not worried that she's going to tell anyone. No. I'm ecstatic because there's finally someone out there who I seem to connect with.

No. I don't think I just like Tris... I think I love her.

But that's just crazy! I don't even know what love is. I shouldn't even be thinking about it! 

I drop my head into my hands and breathe deeply, trying to clear my mind. I just need to relax. And after a couple of minutes, I do relax. I just need to think about tomorrow and what I have to do with-- Tomorrow! No! I completely forgot! It's not like I can just waltz right into the Dining hall, sit next to Tris and plant a kiss right on her lips in front of everyone! 

I shouldn't even talk to her! I have to treat her like another one of the initiates. I can't be any nicer to her. Ugh! Great! I finally find someone who I can be myself with and I can't do it in public. No, the other initiates would say that I'm playing favorites. The only solution is for me to ignore her, ignore her like I do for the rest of them. 

But just the thought is painful. Do I really have the willpower? Can I really just ignore her? A sigh escapes my lips and soon my face is pressed against my pillows. If I can't talk to her tomorrow, maybe I'll be able to talk to her in my dreams. And with that, my eyelids close and I drift off.

I wake to the sound of my alarm. The previous night floods back into my memory and, suddenly, I feel happier about waking up. Or at least I did, until I remember that I can't make any contact with her today. My mood worsens.

I quickly pull a t-shirt over my head and walk a slow as I can towards the Dining hall. I know that everyone will already be there and I know exactly where she'll sit. And I know exactly what I have to do. I have to stare ahead toward my table and I can't let myself steal a glance over to her. I just can't. My friends are suspicious enough as it is. 

I take a deep breath and walk into the Dining hall. I find Zeke quickly, without letting my eyes stray anywhere, and occupy my usual seat next to him. They all stare at me as I sit down, but look away as soon as my eyes meet theirs. Something in my expression must show that I'm in no mood to talk. And they'd be right to think that.

I only want to talk to one person, but I can't. I can't even look at her because if I do, then surely someone would notice. And I'd hate for that someone to be Eric. He would sure give me hell and he'd probably give her hell too. But I feel like I'm screaming on the inside! I don't know if I can take this. 

But maybe I can just glance over to the initiates. It's not like it would be obvious that I'm only looking at her. I just have to keep my face emotionless, blank. I let my eyes shift over to her table for a second. 

Our eyes meet. And then I feel a tear in my heart. Her eyes that are usually so alive and beautiful are clouded with a sadness that I can only assume has something to do with me. And the fact that i'm ignoring her. I force my eyes away from hers before my eyes mirror hers exactly. How m I going to get through today?

Lauren heads over to the initiates and I follow behind her wordlessly. I can't even focus on her words, I just find myself at the back of the group as we head over to the fear landscape room. Once we're inside, Lauren explains what will happen today while I stand of to the side. I keep my eyes on the floor, hoping that I won't give into anymore temptation. I don't think I could handle it. I just have to try my best to keep up my image as Four, for now at least. 

Time passes extremely slow as I watch everyone go through Lauren's landscape. It gives me somewhere to focus my eyes, instead of having them stray over to Tris. I see Will, then Uriah, and then Peter pass through their assigned fears, but they don't occupy my mind, just my eyes. The whole time, I find myself thinking of any other way that I might be able to talk to Tris. 

And then her name is called and it's okay for me to watch her. Everyone else is. No one will find it suspicious if I watch her now. 

As her simulation starts, I see fear in her eyes and her whole body starts to shake. She screams suddenly and her body thrashes. I feel helpless just sitting here watching her. I need to get in there and protect her. She shouldn't have to go through with this! She knows that it's just a simulation but she continues to scream. Her eyes are squeezed shut and I can see tears leaking from her eyes. Her screams don't stop.

And then I realized which fear she was assigned. Kidnapping. And I know exactly why this is her reaction. This has happened to her in real life. It wasn't just a simulation for her. She's reliving it. Another scream leaves her mouth and I can't take it!

"Stop!" I say. Everyone turns to me and I realize the mistake I made, but it was worth it. Tris didn't deserve that. But I have to make it look like I don't care.

I see Tris, bent on the floor with her face in her hands, and I walk over to her. I pull her to her feet and try my best to act like the Four that everyone knows.

"What the hell was that, Stiff?" I say, forcing myself to act mean.

"I... I didn't-- " She says, but I don't let her finish. I try to keep up the pretense as best I can.

"Get yourself together! This is pathetic!" 

Something in her expression changes then and, before I know what's going on, she slaps me...hard. And all I can do is stare back at her.

"Shut up," She says, yanking her arm away from me and running out of the room.

What have I done?

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Sorry that it's a little short! I'll try to update soon!

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-Amanda :)