DIVERGENT: Tobias (Watty Award Winner 2013)

Chapter 20

Chapter 20

As soon as the bullet leaves the gun, I see the woman topple over and fall to the floor. Blood is seeping out from where she was shot. No. From where I shot her. I killed this innocent woman. But not just this one time. Repeatedly. I have killed her so many times, I can't even keep track.

I hear a thud and realize that the gun is no longer in my hand. My hand is limp. My eyes cannot be torn away from what I've done. Maybe I am part of a faction that doens't take a second glance at murder, but I was never really meant for this faction. Not fully, anyway. I am not like the others. I am not sadistic. Why do others need to die for our amusement? Because, to me, this is not fun.

I don't know how long we've been standing here, staring at her body, but suddenly Tris grabs my arm.

"C'mon. Let's go. Keep moving." She says, pulling me away from what I've done. But I don't move, not until she pulls again. And I'm grateful that she's here. That she's willing to suffer through this pain with me. 

We pass the table that occupied the gun and it disappears. So does the woman's body. But not completely. I see her body over and over. It never leaves my memory. It's branded into my brain. And then I remember what comes next. An internal shiver passes through my whole body, undetectable from the outside. 

"Here we go," I manage to get out in a whisper. And then I realize what's about to happen. My body prepares itself for the encounter. I hunch over and I can feel myself shaking. 

I can see Him. He dances just along the line between the light and the shadows, willing us to take one more step. But I can't. My feet are frozen to their spot. I will not move any closer to Him. I have chosen a life without Him. And He's still able to haunt me. But, then, He takes a step closer, entering the circle of light and I feel myself cower involuntarily. I see the evil glint in his eyes, focused directly on me. He's ready to punish me. Again.

"Marcus," Tris whispers, understanding who he is in an instant.

"Here's the part," I start to say and find that my voice, like my whole body, is shaking. "where you figure out my name."

"Is he..." Marcus starts walking to us slowly, and I can't help it. I step backward. I don't want him near me. A second later, she figures it out. "Tobias."

And when she finally figures out who I am, I can't even look at her expression. Instead I'm like a dear caught in headlights, thoroughly transfixed on Marcus who's pulling out his hand from behind his back. There is a belt wrapped around it. He begins to unwind it.

"This is for your own good." He tells me...again. And then they all emerge. The dozen Marcuses appear around me. And I feel defeated. I feel my body hunch over even more, resembling the kid I was the last time I actually this kind of torture. I can't do anything about it. I feel a huge wave of submission envelop me.

And then Marcus raises his arm above his head, ready to whip the belt down on me. And I cringe back, throwing my hands in front of my face. It's the only thing I know how to do in this situation. I wait for the onslaught of pain.

But it doesn't come. Instead I lift my hands to see the belt make contact with Tris's wrist. She unwraps it quickly and whips Marcus on the shoulder. And I can see the familiar anger in his eyes. The anger of being betrayed. But it's not directed at me this time. Instead his cruel eyes are focus on Tris. No. He ca do anything he wants to me, but he cannot touch her! Never. He lunges for Tris, but I pull her body behind mine quickly, before he can reach her, not even thinking about what he might possibly do to me. All that is important is Tris. 

But I don't have to wonder what he'll do to me, because the simulation is over and we're back in the simulation room.

"That's it?" I hear Tris start to say. "Those were your worst fears? Why do you only have four..." She finally figures out this part of my story. But I can't focus on her next words. Instead I gaze at her, her back turned toward me. I can't lose her. Ever. She brings out who I really am. She is the key to my identity. The key to my heart.