Poems and Letters

Untitled Letter to Her (1) - August 26, 2023

My dearest _____,

I'm writing this letter as a means of getting my feelings on paper. The day you sent that message was the day I felt like my entire world was about to come crashing down. I didn't know what to do, or how to respond. I know I started panicking. You definitely know me well enough that emotions were never my strong suit. This was really the case on that day, because my heart would not stop racing and my hands would not stop shaking. It was the exact same kind of shaking I had when Rod died, and I think the feelings rushing through me in that moment were the same – like a part of me was about to die. A part of my soul that kept me alive, well, and happy.

I'm honestly not sure if I plan to send this letter for you to read. I genuinely couldn't get to sleep because it was the most panicked that I've ever been. My immediate thought was "you're throwing away three years?" These three years, despite all the troubles we faced, were the happiest I've EVER been. I know it was also the happiest YOU'VE ever been. Unless you were lying when you told me that? Seeing your reaction when I first told you that I loved you still makes my heart clench, because it was the first time that I was ever truly vulnerable to someone. Alcohol certainly helped me take that step forward, but the end meaning was still the same.

I never thought we would actually grow and become more than friends in the past. I thought you would see some stupid American boy and think nothing more of it. However, I was so wrong and it was one of the first times I was really happy to be proven wrong – to know that you actually felt the EXACT same way as I did. I'm sure we both experienced very similar feelings in that moment. Then as time went on, I never expected us to even go past being an "internet relationship", but even as time went on, I found myself loving you more and more. Your personality. Your laugh. Your angelic smile. The way you showed care for me. All the words of kindness and affection you gave. All the times you told me you'd be there for me.

Your words truly helped carry me through rough times. I was always lonely in the past – like I never really had someone who loved me in a non-family way. When Rod died that day last year, I felt your pain when you expressed how you wished you were there to comfort me. Just the fact that you were ready to answer my call when I initially hit the floor sobbing – that reinforced ever more how much I loved you. How much I knew I needed to treasure you. I remember you said during that time, and among many other times, that you would always be there for me. That you would be with me no matter what.

... that's why it felt like I was being stabbed in my chest when you wrote those words. As the day went on, I found myself on the verge of collapse thinking everything over. Was it me? Did I do wrong? Was I a bad partner? Did you find another man that stole you away on the cruise suddenly? Did you really hate the thought of coming to be with me SO much that you decided to wait until I couldn't talk with you to tell me?

I thought I knew why you felt the way you did, and I guess I knew at least part of it – because you love your family so much. That you'd miss them too much. Maybe I'll learn about more reasons your mind came up with after our conversation. I can only tell you that I understand your feelings. I recognize how difficult it must be for you to think about moving so far away. Still, I wanted to make this move a positive experience – one where you're opening up many new doors and getting to experience so many new things. Not alone. No. With me, your partner. Your lover. Your husband. I wanted to make every step as painless and positive as possible. I still do. I love you too much to leave you on your own in navigating this strange new phase of life. Then again, maybe it wasn't going to happen in the end ...

Even though it's been days since you first sent that message to me, I find my throat tightening at the thought. I looked at your messages countless times. Even as I'm writing this, I keep looking over at Discord to see you come online. I kept wondering – what can I do? How can I fix this?

The thought of losing you terrified me, and it always did. That's why I really tried my hardest to make you happy. To help show you the goodness in me, and to be so happy with me that you were willing to come to a completely foreign land so our physical lives could continue together.

You know, the only reason I even started writing this letter was because I was panicking SO much that I woke up my mom at 2am to try and have her help calm me down. It took a couple hours, but she was able to help just a tiny bit. She also told me that she writes all sorts of letters to people when she feels strong emotions. She might not send them most times, but she still writes her feelings out. I decided to try it out.

Writing out this letter feels like I'm missing so much, but the core feelings I'm having are this:

Terror. Fear. Uncertainty. Guilt. Self-blame. Agony. Pain. Deep sadness.

I really can't stress how you are literally my starlight. The words on your ring mean exactly that. You are the main energy keeping me going. You give me purpose. You motivate me. You have helped me to become that much better of a man than I used to be. If I lost you, I would have nothing but darkness surrounding me again. That's how my life was before I first stumbled across you and heard your angelic voice, and that's how it will be without you.

I'm too scared to go back to that life. I'm too scared to have opened up to you and emptied my heart out only to have the greatest thing I've ever known or ever will know in my life leave me. I honestly don't know if I could continue on. Or, if I could, how long I could. I am willing to do so much to bring your light, happiness, and warmth as close to me as possible.

You are also the only reason I wanted to go to school to learn Russian and to do so with all the motivation possible. You are the reason that I was able to achieve more than I could've without you. Without you, it all feels so ... meaningless. Sure, "you deserve someone better", or "I'm not good for you" or "you're actually a bad partner (you saying that to me)" are things you might say, but my heart knows better than my brain. My heart knows that you are the one I need. If anything, I'm the one that doesn't deserve you, but I really don't want that to stop us being together simply due to the distance.

Seeing your happy face and making you as happy as possible is one of the only things that I feel like I have a purpose for. Making money and doing all these other things are to just make my otherwise miserable life bearable. You, however? You've made my life worth living so far, and I CAN'T fathom (think of) losing you. I hope that our conversation is a good one, and that you decide to go through with things. I can only pray to whatever God might exist. As you've said before – I just love you so fucking much.

If I do decide to send you this open letter of my raw feelings and thoughts, I hope you understand that I feel so strongly about you. I'm doing anything and everything I can to be with you. I love you. So. Damn. Much. I really don't want to lose you. If someone were to ask me "what's the definition of happiness" I would say "_____". They'd ask if I meant the pizza, but then I'd have to show them a picture of you. YOU are my happiness. I want to spend my life together with you. I want to continue to cherish you. I want to grow old together with you. I want to share all the ups and downs with you. I just ... need you. I hope you need me too.

Yours truly, Christopher

August 26, 2023 – 4:54am EST