Agathokakological (REWRITE)

17: Interlude II part 2

A stepping stone in repairing my relationship with my brother. This is a big step, one I ruined pretty much the minute we turned.

 I shut my eyes, showing a small sign of weakness. However, I can't bear seeing the disgust and disappointment in his eyes. On his face. 

"I'm gay." 

Silence. 

Stunned, maybe?

The longer the silence goes on the more nervous I get. 

The panicker I get. 

The more scared I get. 

I jump when Stefan's hand lands on my ankle. 

I forgot I had stayed lying down for this conversation. Too comfortable at that moment when Stefan arrived to move. 

"Damon."

I took a risk opening my eyes to find acceptance in Stefan's. He left his face open to read. I relaxed yet again, not totally realizing that I tensed up completely in the first place. I sat up no longer wanting to be laid flat for the rest of the conversation. 

I know he has questions. 

He'll ask about any "escapades" from when we were human. 

Ask more in-depth things about what happened with Katherine. My experience with her. 

*Stefan*

Elena got bored quickly. Neither Damon nor I had the energy to deal with her. She tried to bother Damon first but he was busy. I feel like she should understand the rules of a closed and locked door. Then she came to get my attention and honestly, I'm tired of entertaining her. Of being one of her "toys" essentially. She treats us like Katherine without the use of compulsion but still with all the manipulative tricks. 

Unfortunately, I'm nicer than Damon so I put on an act. 

Well, I guess try to be a nice person to separate myself from the Ripper. 

Once Elena realized she wasn't getting what she wanted. She called Caroline and stormed out like a child. 

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I could hear Damon finally moving around upstairs. I really need to speak with him. I've been stuck in my own head worrying about it for a while now. 

Worse today. 

He's hiding. 

Sure he opened up about the experiments, Enzo, and Stiles but he is still hiding from me. Still keeping his walls up and I don't understand why.

Sighing I pulled myself off the couch and started up to Damon's room. Best to do this now. 

His door was closed, but not all the way so I knocked as I entered his room. 

"Damon?"

"Yes, Stefan?"

He looked at me over his book watching me. I rolled my shoulders relaxing, glad that he's at least willing to hear me out. 

"May we talk?"

"About what?" 

How do I say "about you because you've been hiding stuff from me" in a way he'll actually want to talk to me?

"Things in general."

Wow, could you be any more vague, Stefan?

"Sure." 

I let out a breath I didn't realize I had been holding as I approached him. 

As I sit on the edge of his bed I try to gather my thoughts. I've been "obsessing" over how this conversation would go or if it'd even happen. Normally when I push Damon we end up fighting then one of us leaves. I don't want to do that this time. 

"Why are you hiding from me?" 

Where the fuck did my brain-to-mouth filter go?!

I didn't mean to blurt that out. He's going to build up his walls even harder and fill in the cracks he's allowed me to see through. 

"Habits die hard, I guess."

My head jerked to look at my brother. 

He's letting me in. 

He gave me a vulnerable answer, granted vague, but still vulnerable. 

Hiding from me is an old habit? He's been hiding from me for years. Does that include when we were human?

I thought we told each other everything then, minus Katherine per her compulsion mainly. 

"You've been hiding from me since we were human?"

"I believe so," he confirmed my thoughts. 

"Honestly, probably since about six months before Katherine showed up to the present time."

If he's going to open up, I'm going to push a little. 

"What are you hiding? I know when we were human we told each other almost everything. Never anything that happened with Katherine, but we spoke of everything else." 

"Part of my identity, I guess."

What?

"A true realization I didn't have until I was hanging from a cave ceiling in a cage. Something that, in our time isn't something praised. It's frowned upon. Maybe it was used to accuse people of witchcraft or being involved with the devil's work too." 

He's nervous. 

Acting how he has in the past when speaking with Father. 

What is he getting at?

"Damon?"

I'm worried for him. He's shutting his eyes, curling slightly in on himself. 

He took a breath before blurting out, 

"I'm gay."

He flinched afterward maybe expecting me to lash out. I blinked back my shock. He's been good at hiding that from me. I wouldn't have thought that looking at him. 

But again he's been hiding that part of himself his whole life, even if he didn't fully understand it when we were human. Now I have so many more questions floating around my brain. 

Was there someone when we were human?

Did Katherine know/find out?

Is that why he portrays himself the way he does? Why he "plays around" with women?

Is this why he leaves me constantly? Fights with me? Helps me from afar?

But right now, looking at my big brother terrified after speaking a truth of his that we grew up learning about it being wrong waiting for me to react. One way or the other. 

First I need my brother to realize that I accept him, that I understand what big of a step he just took. The amount of trust he just put in me. 

"Damon," I spoke softly, lightly shaking his ankle. 

He jumped slightly before uncurling a bit and opening his eyes. He was scanning my face looking for disgust or something that showed him I hate him. 

 I know my brother. I also know how Elena treats him. I can guess how Katherine treated him maybe. 

 So I made sure he could see how accepting I am of him. 

How proud I am. 

He let out a breath relaxing into the mattress before sitting up against the headboard and pulling his knees up to his chest. 

He looks so small like this. 

Vulnerable. 

It's strange seeing him like this, but I will take it because he's letting his walls down.