⋆ ˚｡⋆୨୧˚ To live for the hope of it all ˚୨୧⋆｡˚ ⋆

⋆ ˚｡⋆୨୧˚sixteen˚୨୧⋆｡˚ ⋆

Ella's pov:

I sat on the cold bathroom floor, my back up against the wall as I calmed myself down. I knew as soon as I stepped out of here I would be bombarded by people, I knew that Taylor was worried out of her mind and I knew that everyone knew that I was struggling with food.

I watched the time pass on my phone, fear sinking further and further into the pit of my stomach as it moved closer and closer to when Taylor was going out on the stage. I didn't want to leave the floor of the bathroom, a place with no food and no one to beg me to eat food, but I couldn't miss Taylor's first show on the tour. How bad of a daughter would I be? 

I pulled myself from the floor, the days of skipped meals definitely catching up to me as I had to take a minute to balance from the spinning world. When everything eventually stayed in one spot, I took my hand off the wall I had used to stabilise myself and turned to the door. I placed my hand on the lock and took a deep breath, "It's going to be okay." I whispered to myself in hope that it would stop the sick feeling in my stomach. I turned the lock, and walked from the bathroom up to where I had been told to meet security so I could be escorted to the tent. 

I took more shaky deep breaths as I speed walked past the crew who were running around making sure everything was perfect for opening night. I made my way to where I was told to meet security, two men being stood there as I did make it. "Hi Ella, you ready?" One of them asked and I nodded. The two moved to my sides and we walked together towards the tent, the brown haired woman I had ran away from earlier stood right in the middle.

She saw me and flashed me a big smile, waving to me as I walked over. I gave her a wave back before slowing my pace of how quick I was getting to this tent, terrified what food she had hiding in there with her. 

No matter how slow I walked, I eventually did make it to the tent. "Hey El! You okay?" Selena asked, coming over to where I stood. I just smiled and nodded to her, I was in a state of shock from the terrified and confused feeling all through me. The nicey nice act from Selena as though nothing had happened minutes before was not helpful. I can't do this. Why did everything have to happen the way it did? Why did they have to care so much? It is my problem. Why can't I be left to deal with my own problems without everyone trying to help? I'm so tired of being worried about.

We both walked to the front of the tent and began trading bracelets with the people on the floor, them all being sparkly and in costumes with 13s on their hands. My collection of bracelets went up my sleeve, growing and growing as more and more joined the huddle around the tent. Luckily, due to the huge crowd I was interacting with, I didn't have to talk to Selena about anything. 

When the show started, I couldn't help but smile amusingly at the confused silence from the crowd when the music started and the dancers came out rather than Taylor. I knew the whole show like the back of my hand, I knew how everything was happening, the era following the last, the set list. 

★

It was the middle of the folklore era, Taylor was singing invisible string and I was signing up to her. I stood at the front of the tent, signing my heart out to Taylor who was occasionally glancing to me with a smile across her face while trying her best to hide the worry in her eyes. I feel so horrible for letting her go on stage without even letting her know I was okay.

As I stood and sang, the sounds around me began to muffle as the world began spinning. I lent forward and grabbed the barrier infront of me, trying to make sure I didn't end up on the floor. In the moments of the spinning world, it didn't take long for Selena to rush to my side, one hand gently placed on my back, the other with a granola bar in.  I kept my eyes on the floor infront of me in hopes of stopping the world from spinning around me, however it was no use. "Are you alright El?" Selena asked, just loud enough for me to head over the music. I slowly nodded, no words being able to be formed from how weak I felt in that moment. "How about you have something to eat," She suggested, holding the bar infront of my tilted forward head. I stared at it blankly, I can't eat that.