Asystole ✷ Mark Sloan

𝟬𝟲𝟲 the sun also rises

She really didn't know what she was supposed to do with that. She hadn't even had the energy to argue over it; Addison had simply nodded, said 'okay' and then asked Derek whether he wanted to order out for dinner. 

He'd been visibly surprised and she'd wondered whether that was what he expected from her now: some sort of cataclysmic reaction. Later that evening, she'd had the longest shower of her life, just staring at the ceiling thinking about things and wondering whether this was how her parents had felt when everything began to fall apart.

Addison blinked and looked over at Beth, seeing the look on her face. 

Tenderly, the younger sister reached out and squeezed Addison's knee, giving her a soft smile. The sigh that left Addison's body was long and tired; she shook her head silently and averted her eyes back to the television. She waved a hand, trying to dismiss the topic completely, instead asking how Mark.

"He's good," Beth said, nodding her head softly. "Me too. We're good." She paused. "He was really excited to get out of the city for a few days. It's a shame we couldn't have all gone and made a vacation out of it," Then there was a second long pause. She seemed to mull over her thoughts before she spoke. "I don't think your marriage is falling apart."

Addison snorted, miffed at the statement, "You don't?"

"I don't," Beth confirmed. She spoke with a certainty that made Addison chuckle to herself bitterly, shaking the hair out of her face as she sunk lower and lower in her seat-- it was needless to say that Addison didn't agree with her. "Derek loves you so much--"

"He's barely even here," it had taken everything within Addison to not interrupt sooner. She cast her eyes around her home and laughed. It was an empty sound. Her wine glass wobbled as she gestured around to their surroundings, brow furrowed. "I'm supposed to have a happy marriage. I'm supposed to have kids by now. I'm supposed to be successful--"

"You are successful," Beth reminded her. "You're the best paediatric surgeon on the East Coast."

That caused Addison to halt. Her mind fell to a complete standstill, triggered by the look of bewilderment on her sisters face. Beth blinked at her, completely blindsiding the movie in front of them-- Addison sighed to herself and leant back in her chair. 

(Of course, from a career standpoint, there was no possible way for her to be achieve more success than she already had but Addison wanted more. She wanted to make this house a proper home. She wanted family dinners with Derek. She wanted toys scattered on these floors and kids scrambling up and down the stairs. She didn't just want a successful career, she wanted it all.)

"Is it bad to want more?" Addison questioned, needing an answer far more than she'd ever let on. Her sister didn't respond, just tilted her head to the side. "I mean-- I know Derek hates Paolo's and that he would've preferred to just stay home but, I'm trying... I'm really trying."

She wasn't sure whether that candlelit table at Paolo's had been some sort of last-ditch effort at a remnant of romance or whether it had been a vehement self-sabotage. 

Either way, Addison knew that her marriage had been 'falling apart' for way longer than the week they'd had the reservation for.

There was a downside to knowing what she wanted in life and that was, blatantly, the fact that sometimes things didn't go how it planned.

 Addison was, for all intents and purposes, an obsessive planner. She knew how things were supposed to go, and this definitely wasn't it. She was supposed to be happy. Derek was supposed to be here. Not at work. Here. Derek, on the other hand, as she'd discovered, was far more interested in impulsive decisions.