Red Blooded

Chapter 14 - Clean Slate

Authors note: As a writer, I use my personal life as inspiration for my work – I use my emotions, my anger, my frustrations, and I find a way to put them into words for the world to see. I use words to give me a sense of release from all the unspoken things that I can’t say because of grief – but it’s funny how, even when you think you’re good at something, it can fail you when need it the most.

I’m uploading this chapter early, because life found a way to cause me grief. I don’t know when I can upload again – I hope that it’s soon – but I can’t promise you anything. x

Happiness.

That was all I had ever wanted. I wanted happiness. I wanted to feel its warmth, feel its comforts and let the sun soak into my skin. I wanted to feel the flourishing sensation that you got from the rays of happiness.

Because that’s what happiness did, you know?

Happiness kept the world spinning, the universe moving. It offered you a world of hope, light…promise. It took your feelings and melted them - molded them into something you were happy with – content with. It covered the feelings that you bore like armor and crept into your chest and made warm the being of your soul.

Soul.

That’s what happiness did.

Happiness mended your soul.

I remember the very first day Diechtman-Reynolds went onto the IPO. The day would always be the day when I thought I had put a past behind me and a future ahead of me. I thought that the sun settled in the distance, ending another day – just for me; and I thought the sun rose over the brilliant vista – only for me. For me. Just for me…and my happiness.

I thought the clouds only covered my sun to show me a better way; that the gray clouds came to tell me that life was still full of hardships, but as long as you were happy, everything was okay. Everything was easier with happiness. Everything was better with happiness. Happiness made me whole; it made me secure…made me feel like I could conquer anything.

Without happiness – life stopped. The world stopped spinning. The universe stopped moving. The sun descended – and a world plunged into darkness.

My survival centered on my happiness. Happiness equaled my survival.

Without happiness, life didn’t really matter as much.

Without him...happiness didn’t exist.

Marc.

He was my happiness.

But was happiness always the one thing that kept the world spinning? Was it the be all and end all that I had made it out to be? Sure, happiness would always keep me going – even if I had it in the smallest of doses….

But wasn’t the key to survival, instinct? Pure instinct?

It had to be.

There was no other reason why I would have let Hayden through my doors if I didn’t trust my instincts. I would rather have died than let him in – if it wasn’t for the will to survive.

Because that was why I was here, right? That was all I wanted to do.

I wanted to survive.

My eyes fell to his legs as he limped in slowly - as though he had fought a battle to get here. Under normal circumstances, I would not have been surprised if Jolene had let slip of my location – but the fact was –Jo didn’t know where I was. No one knew where I was – not even George. Of course, Sue – Dr. Jefferson – was the exception. But would she really have broken my trust so quickly after I told her it was important to me? Was she that asinine?