Shameless - lestappen

31 - Atlantis

I can't save us
My Atlantis
We fall
We've built this town on shaky ground

- Seafret

31

Charles Leclerc

I don't think I've ever felt this bad.

I spent the night crying alone in my hotel room, questioning all the choices I could have made in my life and career.

For the first time, I'm not so sure.

I don't know if Ferrari is good for me anymore. It's because of my team that I feel at the bottom of the abyss but I don't know if it would be different at Mercedes or any other team on the Formula One grid.

Ferrari has always been my dream. My goal. I've been working for years to be here and nowhere else. I don't want to give up on my childhood dream.

Ferrari is also the dream of my whole family. My father's and Jules's. I can't let them down. I already feel like I'm disappointing my father by questioning my place in F1 for Max Verstappen, by loving him, a man.

I told Max that my career would always take priority over our relationship but things have changed since then and I don't know what I want most between Ferrari and the Dutchman.

When I get out of bed and get ready for the qualifications ahead of me, I haven't closed my eyes at night and it shows on my face. My eyes are swollen from spending hours crying and thinking about Max who must feel so bad because of me. Because I couldn't handle the situation.

If I hadn't let him kiss me at that party in Monaco, we wouldn't have come to this. But it would also mean that Max would still be in an abusive relationship with his ex. And I have no regrets getting him out of there.

I put on my red shirt almost reluctantly. Wearing my team logo gives me a stomachache.

I meet Carlos in the lobby of our hotel. I give him a weak greet which he does not formalize, I even let him take the wheel of the car without negotiating, which never happens.

Once the door is closed, Carlos speaks.

"I heard what happened yesterday Charles. Like you had divulge confidential information.
- You know I could never do something like that to our team.

- Of course...and... I'm also aware of the rumors about your potential relationship with Max."

I feel my blood freezing in my veins. Carlos knows I'm interested in men, but he doesn't really have Max in his heart, and I don't know how he'll react. My silence says a lot because he seems to understand the answer by himself.

"Honestly I can't understand Ferrari on this one. I think you and Max know how to figure things out, you're both grown men and you've already showed your professionalism.I really hope that you'll make the right decision about it.

I feel my heart warm in the face of my friend's support, in spite of the pain that serves my throat.

- It's too late, Carlos... I'm not allowed to see him anymore. I told him we couldn't keep this going last night. I confess and feel my voice crack even as I try to hide the tears that begin to form in my eyes.

Carlos abruptly brakes the car, startling me and turns to me. I see his brown eyes that only express his irritation.

I watch him parking the car without justification.

"What the hell are you doing, Carlos?

- I am asking you the same thing, Charles. He answers me harshly.