𝘴𝘶𝘯𝘴𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘦 𝘥𝘪𝘴𝘨𝘶𝘪𝘴𝘦

self-immolation

"U-um, Kuroi-chan..." Tohru's voice makes me lift my head as I sit absentmindedly cutting onions with tears in my eye, just trying to make it through. "C-crying?"

"It's the onions." I quickly store them away and wash my hands. "What's up?"

"About your parents... can I ask about them?"

My face gets a little surprised. "S-sure, yeah! Mmm... I owe it to you, cause I lived with you out of a difficult situation for so long. I'm estranged from my mother, I ran away because I couldn't handle being around her. I saw her recently by chance, it was the same. I don't think she wanted to be a mother, and I think it stressed her out our whole childhood. My dad gave money to your mother to take care of me, so it's not like they didn't know of my whereabouts. My dad killed... my dad passed away not long after I came to you. But I visited his grave for the first time! And he left me lots of keepsakes. And he was a good cook! I learnt a lot!" Her face looks sad at my words. "Ah... em... was it that you split watermelons with your mom?"

"Yes! But I... Kyo-kun asked me about it, and so I understand that I didn't have to hide it."

"Right! You don't have to hide it at all because of our parents. I actually love to hear about your mom. She helped raise me, after all. Your mom is an incredible woman, I'm glad to see you take after her," I say, patting her head. "And I'm happy to see you happy to talk about her."

"Right!"

Just then, Shigure barges in on our conversation. "Hi~ I just wanted to inform you that Akito-san is here." With her toy, no doubt. But she won't stay here. But that also means Kyo, Tohru, and I are left out. I don't go, to keep up with her lie.

She may want to see me. But she always expects it discreetly now. I remove my apron, nodding slowly at Shigure. "I'll go for a walk," I say after hanging it up, and head out down to the beach on my own.

Will she call on me? What will I do? I wonder, stepping into the water close enough to get my shoes wet. I sit, and the evening heat is a lot more bearable than it was sitting before. What should I dream of? At least in the evening, the ocean changed from it's menacing, dark blue to hues of orange, gold, green, and white as the waves splash at my feet.

Where am I now? It's not so bad, sitting in the water, watching the waves crash on the shore, making my socks wet. Making the ends of my sleeves wet. I take off the sweater, revealing the market arms I try so hard to hide. What a low point in my pre-teen years. It's long passed but... a thing like that might worry the people around me. The people that care. But at the same time, it's really just I who's the most embarrassed by it.

Sitting on the sand, I want to let myself be taken to sea. I lay back, lettings the water touch my back, my ears, my ponytail, my arms. Lay where the ocean meats the sand. Even if I get swept up by the tide, or sink into the sand, whatever happens will happen. It's okay to show myself, little by little even if it's to no one. Even when the sun begins to set, I lay there. The waves say nothing. Neither do I. If I want them to pay attention to my feelings... I'd have to let myself feel these emotions freely, wouldn't I?

"Kuroi..." a voice interrupts the silence. I look up to see my brother, in his button up, walking in the dark.

"Did she send you away? Or did she send you to get me?" I blithely say, turning my head back to only the sky. The water is warmer than the air now. I dread to get up.

"She didn't call on you. It's because I made a deal with her too... I guess I'm kind of being bad by being out here." He sits in the sand next to me. "You made a deal, so that Akito-san would love me, you would clip your wings. I made a deal, that if I loved her back, and didn't love any other woman, not even my sister, not my mother, she'd set you free. But that was kind of bird-brained of both of us, wasn't it?"