[LARONA]
‘Do you think I wanted you?’ my mother asks – staring at me with the most judgemental face. I have no idea what to say to her.
‘I was sold to your father and none of my feelings were taken into consideration. The very same man who is practically my cousin. Do you think I leaped for joy when your grandmother began with her pregnancy suspicions about me? That I was over the moon opening my legs to that filthy bustard? And his brother?’
I am still silent as a grave.
‘I did not want you Larona but terminating you was never an option. It crossed my mind yes but I knew it wasn’t an option. You’re in this family for a reason. They have rights over you now and we can’t contest them unless if they’re abusing you in some way. You agreed to marry this man and part of that package is bearing his children. No one cares about your career here. And since when does having a baby mean a woman can’t do anything else?’
‘I am not saying I don’t want to have kids. I am just not ready right now, especially not for two of them’
‘What do you mean by two?’
‘What did the vision I had mean? Of twins?’
‘Your problem is that you are quick to jump to conclusions. Yes, you are going to have and raise twin boys but they won’t be coming from your womb, at least not now. I understand why you were freaked out. Your husband is a twin and that did not help with your interpretation of things. Now stop this abortion nonsense before I thrash you with a burning slap’
I wake up gasping after she threatens me. Ever since she died, I’ve never experienced her in such a furious manner. It’s seven in the morning and I just know I won’t make it time for work. I text Kurhula to ask him to drop by before heading to the office when chances are, he’s already there. Immediately after my text is delivered, I receive a call from him.
‘Baby? Are you okay?’ the concern in his voice is smelting a layer of my heart. Even though we’re fighting, he still worries about me.
‘Not really. Can you come to the house before heading to the office?’ I ask. I also don’t feel like going to work today but I don’t want to make this a habit. Exams are coming up and I have no time to be nursing any personal disarray. He agrees and I take a quick bath so I can catch a lift with him. A lot of my skincare products take a backseat. Today I’m only putting on some hyaluronic acid moisturizer and sunscreen then heading out because I don’t want to aggravate his anger even further. Having individual lashes always bails me out because they have this ability of making you look alive even without a full face of make-up. He walks in while I’m still trying to decide whether to go with a pure white or cream blouse. The skirt I want to wear goes well with this set of nude heels. If Kago was here, I’d have long reached a decision but I think cream works best. To my absolute defeat, the lady who does my laundry burnt one of the shirts that would’ve been the third option here.
He’s just standing by the door with this smile I don’t understand on his face.
‘What?’ I ask, pushing my locks out of my face.
‘You’re mad gorgeous’
I cannot help but blush at the unexpected compliment. His gesture tells me he wants me to come over for a hug. I put the tops on the bed and approach him. I think I hooked this bra too tight because it’s slightly uncomfortable.
‘What’s wrong?’ he asks after pulling away from me but still holding me by the waist.
‘You’re not rushing anywhere, right?’
‘You’re the one who has my diary so you tell me’ he responds and I laugh. Kurhula will snub you and see absolutely nothing wrong with what he said. I take him by the hand so we can sit on the bed.
‘Nothing is physically wrong with me. I want to apologize. I know how much you hate it when we take our personal issues to work and I couldn’t bear another day of silent treatment from you. It really hurts me when I only feel the senior part of you at work with my husband nowhere to be found inside there’
‘I prefer not to say a word because I still feel like you’re making a wrong choice but at the same time, I don’t want to be the reason you end up a shell of yourself because of motherhood. The fire I first saw in you and the ambition you carry are a huge part of why I can’t help but feel attracted to you. I don’t want to be the one who dims those lights’
He’s not done.
‘Being a parent is a lot of work. Raising little humans is not a joke. More so on you guys because you’re the primary caregivers to these people however, terminating a pregnancy in itself requires a lot of emotional labour. I’m not sure I have the strength to be there for you when you start falling apart because of the decisions you’ve made. It is not as easy as popping a pill, cleaning out your womb and moving on with your life like nothing happened’
I swallow a rock.
‘I’m not ready…’
‘I get that, but I want this baby and I am prepared to hold your hand every step of the way. It is bound to be scary because this is your first pregnancy. I also won’t allow it to stand in the way of your goals and ambitions. I know how much you want to escape being under my wing and start your own thing’
‘Escape is a heavy word’
‘Tell me I am lying’
I laugh.
‘Maybe. You’re too strict le wena’
‘Because I want to see you win, in everything you do and by everything I am also including your role as a wife. My stance hasn’t changed. I don’t want you to have this abortion, but there’s not much I can do to stop you from getting it done if you heart is set on it. Another fear I have is that, what if something goes wrong? Now I have to lose two people at once? And you expect me to survive that?’
My head is buzzing with different voices pulling in different directions. I was not prepared to have a baby right now, hence the measures I consistently took.
