…
[KULANI]
‘You are to carry her… You are to carry her…You are to carry her…’ I wake up from deep sleep with these words reverberating in my head. That voice belongs to my great-grandmother. She’s the one who refers to me as Nwa-Lawrence. This has everything to do with Larona finding out that her mom’s mxrderer is right under her nose. I sigh as I wipe my sweat; I am soaking wet. I force down the lump that is slow-moving on my throat.
The same person that had kxlled her mother, will try to kxll her as well on her wedding day. I hope she’s safe where she is because she has already travelled back home to oversee everything, and to attend some event her friends have apparently planned for her. Every single day, I keep adding to the list of enemies and dark forces I have to fight and ward off every night in my sleep. Then there’s Bontle on the other hand who’s not taking my calls. This coming wedding is churning some sadness inside of me because it vividly reminds me of what happened on mine. I lost my baby at the altar and I was forced to forgive because a person like me cannot harbour any grudges. It’ll blind my third eye. Vengeance is always up to my guides. I find comfort in the fact that there’s no one that harms me and gets away unscathed, hence I had to start interceding on Kurhula’s behalf before they threw him on a braai stand and began charring him. I really love him, even when he does me wrong.
There’s a lot stressing me right now, including the fact that my thatched hut is almost done and I’ll have to sleep in there sometimes, on a reed mat, on the floor. I wanted a more modern roof but the powers that rule me insisted otherwise. Fear no longer rules me that much. If I hear noises I don’t understand outside, I can easily go out to check and the creatures usually run off when I do. The crazy part is that these ungodly things walk right past the guards and they don’t see or sense anything. I worry about people who can’t feel that an environment is getting spiritually dangerous because they easily pick these things up at malls and other places. I have an occasional walking stick now. It was all I need for my back problems to get eased up. I walk with the elderly so I experience the same things the living ones do. The funny part about all this is how my walk apparently changes and my voice deepens when a male is dominating during a consultation. They’re getting more frequent and sporadic as days go by. I could be driving somewhere and come across a client. I can’t exactly call some of them that because there are people I cannot charge. I only have to leave them with the instruction of taking a silver coin to go throw into a body of water that gets fed by a waterfall, as a token of appreciation. Money is not a priority when it comes to what I do but wealth is an inevitable gift of mine. My grandfather owned agricultural farms and livestock. This gift is going to fund those businesses. Kurhula has already put my one foot at the door – another confirmation that that man is truly the husband of my gifted youth.
I get up from the bed to go plug some water for purging because my burps come out with difficulty. It’s all that food I had from the leftovers of the appeasing ceremony. It’s 03h45 and I can hear the roosters going off outside. I go check on Tlhari only to find him wide awake and laughing in the dark. I can sense that one of his guides is visiting. My baby boy is busy laughing his head off like somebody is tickling him. I find this fascinating. Babies can see things that we sometimes cannot see, including bad energies. I just stand by the door and wait for the interaction to be over. His laughter finally weakens in intensity and trails off. They’ve left.
I take him out of his cot and kiss him on the cheek.
‘You had company?’ I ask and he obviously doesn’t understand. I look at him and worry covers me whole as I put the pacifier in his mouth. I’m beginning to fall in love with what I do but I pray that he doesn’t inherit this gift. I don’t want him to suffer because it can break you emotionally and mentally before it starts building you back up again – into a completely different person with a transformed manner of perception. I want him to be happy. That’s my biggest wish for him; to always be content.
I throw him on my back and keep him there with a towel so he doesn’t disturb me. After heating up the water and mixing it with some aloe and a bit of salt, I check if he’s dosed off yet. Nope, still very much wide awake. I guess I’ll have to do this while on my knees with this gentleman on my back. Hopefully the retching and vomiting sounds don’t scare him.
I keep thinking of Larona. I really hope everything goes well with this wedding. We’ve had enough drama in this family. Just this once, can things actually go according to plan? I need to start packing because we’re leaving at ten.
I keep thinking and the decision I want to make is not being approved. I want to have my womb removed. What’s the point of getting periods when there’s no use for it? Anything that has to do with me being cut up and having doctors probing and prodding into me is a no go area but the urge is strong because I hate menses. A voice tells me they have a spiritual role to play, even if I don’t want to go through them.
My grandmother hated it a lot when she’d tell me that something is taboo and I’d ask why. She would just shut me up by saying ‘Because I said so’.
I remember when she told me that you do not sweep when the sun has already gone west, and that you don’t allow any water or salt to enter or leave your yard after dark. That woman was super strict but the love the overflowed from her cup was immeasurable. It makes me sad that Tlhari won’t experience that type of a grandmother’s love. Mhan’ Singi is still alive and she loves him wholeheartedly but still, it’s not the same. Am I triggered? I think I am. All of this is making me think of Rhandzu. After registering for her postgrad, she kept making excuses when it was time to come home, according to my dad. I told her I’ve forgiven her because she did not know that she was being used by evil but I feel like she hasn’t forgiven herself. I want to assure her that it’s okay to come home and all, but I just can’t bring myself to pick up the phone and do it. My mother destroyed a lot of things and one of those is my relationship with my little sister. I don’t see how things could ever go back to what they once were but just like every other thing, I’m allowing this situation to sort itself out. Kurhula does not believe that Rhandzu was oblivious to my mother’s doings; he doesn’t even want to see her.
Anyway, I’d prefer it if he was here but he’s someone else’s husband for this entire weekend. Although it stings somewhere in my heart, I don’t want to stand in the way.
He walks in while I’m still digesting my thoughts and comes to the bathroom.
‘Hey baby’ he greets while untying the towel, taking Tlhari from my back.
‘Hi hubby’
I can finally sit on the floor; the floor was beginning to dig into the bones of my knees.
‘Why didn’t you call me and tell me that my son is awake? I would’ve came home sooner’
‘I didn’t want to disturb you’ I’m truthful.
‘I’d make this whole planet stop spinning for you. Do you know that?’
I laugh. He should get out of here because my water’s losing heat and the first litre I drank is already making me feel nauseated. I’m really not sure whether to tell him about Larona’s situation or just keep it to myself. I’m not yet sure of the way forward, of what is expected of me here.
…
[MABONTLE]
I’m standing in the middle of the kitchen having gherkins in mayonnaise with raspberry Drink O-Pop sprinkled on top. My dad sent the driver to go around looking for the exact flavour I asked for at Indian tuck-shops when I was on the verge of tears. He came back after an hour and a half with many packets in hand. I had two before going to bed and the cravings pulled me out of the sheets a few moments ago, that’s why I’m here. I’m watching Instagram stories and I can’t help but obsess over Karabo Didi’s content. Her son is cute. Going through her profile just made my anticipation grow. I’ve helped women give birth before but the nerves grow day by day. I’m even thinking of going the C-section route, but the scar is making me sceptical. I don’t know, I don’t even want to think about it. My phone starts ringing and I wonder what Kurhula wants at this time. It could be his menace of a brother because I blocked him this morning but also, what if something is wrong with Kuli? I hate calls at inappropriate times because they give me heart palpitations. The same way a random person from the past will call just to say they were checking up on you at eleven at night. I hate it with my skin and bones.
‘Hello?’
‘Please don’t hang up’ he immediately says and I sigh.
‘I blocked you for a reason’
‘I know. I just…’ he goes quiet. The slight slur in his speech tells me he’s had a few. Is he drunk calling me? This man doesn’t take me seriously.
‘I just wanted to hear your voice. Your side of the bed is mad cold without you. I’ve been struggling to sleep because you’re not here and that means I can’t sniff your hair so I can get intoxicated to slumber’
Why does he sound so sad? He’s tugging at my heart strings. No, he should buy a wig and cuddle it at night. That will do. Or better yet, Nqobile also has hair!
‘I love you, woman. I love every bit of you, from your side burns down to your size 3 feet’
Tell me why I’m in tears? I’m such a cry baby.
‘This life will not make any sense without you and if it continues this way, I want none of it. I fvcked up. I allowed my sexual urges to get the better of me and in the mix, I was inconsiderate of your feelings and the harm my actions would bring to you’
I’m still silent.
‘I did not call to pressurize you into anything. I just wanted to get this off my chest’
I don’t know how to respond.
‘And baby?’
‘Hm?’
‘Thanks for listening. Can you please promise me one thing?’
‘What?’
‘That you’ll keep sending me pictures of our baby’s foot sticking out of your belly, they make my day. And another thing…’
‘Yeah?’
‘I know it might be hard to believe at the moment but nak’ rhandza nkata mina, swinene. I love you so fvcking much and I promise I’m gonna make things right. That’s all I wanted to say. Sleep we—‘
‘Fikani?’
‘Yes love?’
‘I’m horny’
‘Huh?’ this comes out sharper than the tone he was using all along.
‘I have an itch you need to scratch, but that doesn’t mean we will be back together’
He laughs.
‘I hear you. Well, if my baby needs some dxck then something needs to be done about that’
Nah, I’m making bad choices here. All I need is to flick the bean and go straight to bed.
‘Actually… never mind. Thanks for the call’
I immediately hang up before he responds and block Kurhula as well.
CHAPTER 30
Start from the beginning
