A Song of War

seven

Don't give up.

Giving up was never an option. Not for the deity of chaos. Not for the God who loved to conquer.

There is an ache in my soul like I am missing something. Like a connection has been broken. Maybe that is what happens when you die. Because I know what that darkness I faced was. Somewhere along my journey I must have lost. I must have given up, retreated, raised the white flag.

Somewhere in my battle, I decided that I could not fight, so I would gain some rest in order to charge again.

I open my eyes, and I see visions of mama all around me. She is a kaleidoscope of beauty and I see her mouth moving, but no words can be heard.

Tears are touching her cheek, holding hands with each other as they fall together. Even in her tears, I still have the thought that mama was glorious.

A god of war, born from Aphrodite.

Not even my thoughts make sense. I raise my hand, watching the phantom movement as I touch mama's check. She is holding my hand now, pressing her face to it, kissing the palm and still speaking.

I open my lips, but I cannot even hear the sounds from my own mouth. Maybe I have not made any sound. Maybe there is nothing but the movement of my lips as I try to communicate to mama how much I love her.

Slowly, like the rising of the sun, I begin to hear her voice.

She is saying hello. She's welcoming me back.

She's saying how much she loves me.

I feel a smile on my lips. I close my eyes.

This time I know I will not meet the darkness.

This time I am sure, I will open my eyes to a new day.

*       *       *

It's a strange feeling to be told that you missed two months of your life.

Heidi is watching me carefully. I know she is concerned about me. Mama has been here almost everyday, for the whole day. I've craved her love for so long, and all it took to get it was me dying.

Dying.

That was another strange thing to hear. That I had died. I had died and had no heartbeat for almost 3 minutes.

I'm on 24 hour supervision, a nurse always in my room now to check my vitals and make sure I am okay. Heidi explained that being without oxygen for that long does things to your brain. They're not sure of the effects yet. It causes a panic in me to hear that there may be another thing wrong with me.

So far, I don't feel any different from what I've always felt.

I explained to Heidi the pain and the hallucinations. I told her and mama what death felt like. They both started to cry at my story, telling me how brave I was and how proud they were of me. I'm not sure what to say to that. I didn't feel like I had fought. Instead, I pictured it more as being tossed into the ocean and trying your hardest to not drown. To keep your head above water for as long as you could until help came.

I tried to recall the vision of Ares that had come to me. The only thing I could remember were his eyes. They had held so much pain. So much sorrow.

The God of war had a right to feel that pain. He had seen much battle. Lost many souls. He had fought many wars. I'm sure death was something familiar to him. A constant companion that wouldn't go away.

I wondered if my own eyes held that look.

"Letters?"

Heidi shakes her head, "I wrote to him before everything happened. But there's been no letters since then..."