Lavender | Wakatoshi Ushijima

49 | Young Again

Then, I saw the biggest smile on his face that I'd never seen before. Teeth and all. I caught a dimple too, the cutest I've ever seen. Like a little indent in his cheek. His eyes were squinting and the sunlight made him look a hundred times more handsome. I clutched his sweater tighter as his figure grew smaller beside Keiko. I heard a buzz from my phone that my parents had brought from home.

The sweater's yours. I'm a text away if you need anything.

It hadn't occurred to me to give it back, actually. My cheeks reddened at the sight of the text.

Mrs Ito told me she and the medics had left the phone behind. When she visited, she gave me a hug. She said the medics barged in and found me on the floor. She had arrived with them, but left her car at my house to stay with me in the ambulance. She didn't tell me much about that night, sensing the impact it had on me.

We didn't talk about how I'd cried for help over the phone. I thanked her for listening to me, that's all I could say. She left the past behind, and I love her for that. She wiped her cheek and said she can't wait to have me back in her classroom, remarking that my seat is awfully empty.

My parents both offered to help me out of the car, but I didn't need it. I walked in and made my way to my room swiftly. I want things to go back to normal.

I'm making my way back up. My health is improving with my supplements and daily affirmations. I'm starting to love myself again. I never thought I would, but gradually I will. That little girl needs it more than I do. I made a promise to myself and secretly, to him. Promises that need to be fulfilled.

I am beautiful, I remind myself. I tug on my t-shirt. I like how messy my braid looks, I've been wearing it like that for the past few days.

She looks alive and she feels alive. I've been pushing myself to read and get back into my gardening. Weeks in the hospital leave a dangerous amount of weeds in the flower bed. I sat on my knees beside it, and worked away until the sunset. They look neat and elegant now, no longer exhausted as I was. I haven't had the courage to write again. I tried to pick up my pen in the afternoon, to no avail.

When I first stepped into my room, there was a lump in my throat. The same tenebrous place I had left. Messy sheets, pill bottles, and an untidy desk. The carpet, which had seen my worst, looked unfazed. Despite Dr. Amane telling me to rest, I threw out the pill bottles and cleaned my room. It felt like I was disposing of that night. I detoxed the surfaces like I was detoxing the past.

I make my way downstairs, and take my place on the dinner table slowly. I admit I'm not looking forward to it. I'll have to sit through it and pretend it never happened.

Mother has cooked a simple dinner, a stew. By the time I realize she hasn't cooked a stew in forever, she's scooping food onto my plate for me. I thank her and eat carefully. It's delicious. It's flavorful and savory, so warm I feel it on the inside. There's a lump in my throat, I swallow it with another bite.

It's excruciating to have to sit here and try to slow down. I don't show her that I like her food. I refuse. I won't be vulnerable to her again. I refuse for things to go back to how they were this easily.

We sit there like phonies, trying to act like a family. It's the most annoying thing I've ever had to endure. I don't know why I can't stand it. I can't stand them giving each other looks and sitting at one table with me. Every bite they take ignore all the times I waited on them to come home and have dinner with me. Are they seriously trying to make up for all of it? Why won't they say anything?

I'm probably overthinking it. They most likely took a day off and they have to spend it with me. The last time we were together in this house of misery, they had nothing better to do than destroy me, then leave without another word for a business trip. Leaving me behind in ruins, burning to the ground.