Dive With You

Twelve

Knowing Sana had feelings for you made life hell. Knowing she was lying to herself just to keep the peace made it even worse. She would ask if it was okay to hug you and ask if her physical affection was okay before doing anything. You would accept in public. Only when you knew fans were watching with cameras. You already saw the speculation that something had happened between you two when you had stopped receiving her affection for a few weeks. So you couldn't let them think something was wrong.

It had started to feel better after weeks of ignoring everything. Ignoring all of your emotional impulses and barely talking to anyone. Being alone with your thoughts most of the time was really starting to fix your emotions, allowing you to feel like the person you were before you started crushing on Sana in the first place.

"No, I really think it's a new feeling." You had just woken up, still slightly groggy from your much-needed nap. You heard Sana's excited whispers, and then Momo's voice.

"I thought you had a different crush?" Momo whispered.

"I do... But I... I don't see it anymore." She quickly muttered. "But I really like this other girl! She's cute, amazing, funny..."

You rolled onto your side, facing the wall when you felt the sudden pain in your chest and throat. You thought you were over her. You thought every little emotion had finally left you, but it had just stayed hidden from view. But now... Now it felt like you had thorns growing in your entire body, scraping your insides until you would start bleeding. But it wasn't blood that spilled out. It was your tears.

You lay in bed and silently cried, letting everything out until you had eventually fallen asleep again. When you woke up, the room was dark, you could hear the sound of people talking out in the living room, but you didn't want to get up. You reached for your phone, checking to see the one thread of messages you cared about.

Y/N: Unnie, when are you free? I can't take the pain anymore.

You set your phone down, not expecting an answer right away until you felt the vibrations next to you a few minutes later. You saw that Joohyun was calling you, so you answered.

"Everything hurts," You sniffed.

"I'm free this weekend. You can come over, we'll get take out and you can vent okay?" Joohyun's voice was quiet. You could hear the background noise, clearly filming something important.

"Okay..." You whispered.

That weekend you found yourself at the familiar dorm, seated on Joohyun's bed. You had explained everything to her in all the details you could remember, tears now flowing down your cheeks as you explained the recent events.

The older woman's heart broke for you, holding the tissue box for you and even taking tissue out herself to help get the tears you missed. She was close to you, taking care of you and not even saying a word.

"I can't even... Begin to help..." Joohyun whispered.

"I even tried to talk to her," You cried even harder at the recent event.

You walked down the empty road, hands in your hoodie pocket with Sana next to you.

"I still like you... And it's fucking with my head so badly that I just want to get everything out there."

"Y/N-ah... I did what you said... I already accepted to go on a date with this new girl... You told me to get rid of the feelings I had for you. I didn't, but I'm trying to move on as you said."

"I understand... I just don't want to keep pretending like it doesn't hurt anymore."

It killed you to utter those words. To hear those words being spoken to you. To see the sadness in her eyes because you were too late and decided that the group was better for your wellbeing.

"Why can't I get over her?" You whispered. You had walked yourself right back into a full sob, your breathing labored, coughing and sniffling as you thought of everything.

"First crushes are usually the hardest to deal with," Joohyun sighed. "Trust me." She chuckled quietly before wiping more tears off your cheeks. "I always seem to wipe your tears away..." She whispered.

"You're really good at it," You whispered.

It was quiet for a little while longer, Joohyun making sure you were okay. Letting you calm down and breathe before you felt an odd urge. You didn't know where it was coming from or what it meant, but you wanted to act on it. You were never one to act on impulses but you felt like you needed to. You could feel the tears forming again in your eyes, not sure how to accept the feeling.

"Y/N?" Joohyun frowned when she saw fresh tears.

You looked over at her, letting out a shaky breath before slowly taking in more air. You didn't want to. You couldn't. But you did.

You quickly closed the gap between both of you, pressing your lips to hers. You were a little surprised when you didn't feel her hit you, but you were even more surprised when she kissed back, her hand clutching onto your shirt before pulling away from you.

"I... I'm not Sana..." She whispered. "I love you Y/N, but I'm not her." She repeated those words, and you could feel the tears building even more. "You're not going to feel good about any of this later." You could see the tears building in her eyes. "Just reacting on emotional impulses right now..."

You fell back into her bed, hands flying to your face in pure shock and embarrassment. You kissed your best friend and now she was crying.

"So what if I'm reacting on the impulses?" You sniffed. "What if it's what I finally want?" You cried before sitting back up.

"Is this really a line you want to cross? We can't go back if we cross it," She whispered. "You know I love you... I... We would have to learn to love each other in a whole new way..." She rambled.

"I'm sorry..." You finally whispered.

"It's okay." She sighed. "I just... I don't want you to feed your feelings for someone into someone else." She whispered. "You should... You should want to have romantic feelings for someone because you like that specific person... Not because they're there." She didn't look at you, her gaze fixed on her lap rather than you.

"Unnie...?" You whispered, reaching out for her. "Our lines are already blurred." You reminded her. She watched as you reached for her hand, holding it loosely before looking up at you. "Maybe... Not now... But... Soon?" You asked her.

"Soon?" Joohyun frowned.

"Just some time... To settle my thoughts."