♡Maybe I Don't Hate You | Yeongyu/Beomjun♡

Beomgyu's POV | 45

Me: I—

Yeonjun: —I was constantly at my dad's house where there would be violent, homophobic, pedo gangs, and I heard gunshots all the time. I could never sleep Beomgyu. NEVER. I was touched in such... horrific ways. Horrible. I never had a good parental figure in my life. No protection from anything. Nobody loved me. I trusted nobody. I had to learn to shoot and fight and whatever, just to defend myself. I was so young. You never had to go through any of that. Yeah, your childhood wasn't picture perfect until you escaped your dad, but for me? God it was hell. But now that you're no longer under your mom's roof, I've been trying to be "the strong male" in your life, since you never had that.

Me: ...

Yeonjun: I don't ever want you to go through the shit I did. I want you to be able to talk to me, trust me with your problems, your life, and your body. I'm giving you all the love I never had growing up. The only time I was ever happy was when I was at school, or when I visited you and your mom. Man, fuck my dad. I shot him too.

Me: I... I don't know how long this is gonna last. *sniffle*

Yeonjun: Beomgyu, no. No, no... no. I love you too much to let you go.

Me: Your dad too?

Yeonjun: That wasn't the point! Ugh!

Me: I need to go.

Yeonjun: (His voice cracking) Don't hang up, please. Please... you don't need to say anything, I just want to hear that you're still there.

Me: I need to charge my phone, and—

Yeonjun: —I'm begging you Beomgyu... please don't lea—

*beep beep beep*

I— I just hung up on him.

I don't know what to do.

I just fucked up. I just fucked up so bad. The most perfect man on the planet... he's no longer mine. He won't forgive me.

Ah fuck... I'll just try and sleep it off.

I plugged my phone into the charger and turned off the lamp on the nightstand.

"Maybe I'm not the right one for him... if I can't understand him." I said to myself, solemnly.

I pulled the covers up and over my head, and cried myself to sleep, my tears becoming an endless river that got all soaked up in the pillow cover and bedsheets. Gross.

***

*the next day*

"Hey Gyu!" Changbin shouted from the far end of the Literature classroom. "I need to talk to you!"

Great.

Now all the attention is on me. I can literally feel everyone's eyes burning through the top layer of my skin. Unenthusiastically, I responded "Coming!" And slowly shuffled my way over to him.

"Here, have a seat." He said as I got closer. "I brought you a yoghurt drink. Banana... your favourite?"

"Thanks." I took it from him.

"What's wrong?" He asked.

"The fuck you mean, what's wrong? You forwarded me a video of a murder!" I whispered to him.

"Oh, yeah. I just wanted to show you what kind of a person Yeonjun really is. A killer. And he's always been that way. You know he killed his dad too?"

"..."

"He's not the man you think he is. How can you trust him? He never told you he had a gun, let alone TWO, and he never told you about the murders. It's a shame I'm the one to tell you, and not even your own boyfriend."

Do I deserve better? Or do I need to be a better person?

"You deserve better. Someone who's honest with you, someone who has a clean record, and someone who'll love you unconditionally no matter what you feel about yourself."

"I... *sigh*"

"Just let me know when you're ready to... leave him."

"O-oh..."

"I'll always be there for you. I won't flee to another country just because my parents made me, and I certainly would never kill another living being. Not even a spider."

"Okay..."

I guess.

"How about this: to cheer you up, we could go to that cafe that's just a few miles away. We can put a smile on that sad little face of yours."

He had a warm smile on his face, but for some reason, it was a bit off putting.

"I'll use my own car though, since it's already here on campus. I'll follow you. I-is that okay?"

"What, are you scared?" He nudged me with his elbow. "I'm not surely as scary as Yeonjun."

The Yeonjun that I miss like a bitch.

But yes, I am scared, all because I have no trust in him. I don't know him like that.

Now that I think about it more, that's how I started off with Yeonjun. I was always afraid he was gonna... do something to me against my will. But then when we finally did the something, with consent of course, I realised that it really wasn't that bad. It was fucking awesome actually.

I don't think I want that with Changbin though, but I'm afraid it's gonna take the same path.

I don't wanna fall in love with him the way I did with Yeonjun.

"What are you thinking about?" He asked, interrupting my thoughts.

"Nothing." I said.

"It's alright man, just let go. Let him leave your mind today, and just enjoy my company, okay? Okay. Maybe he's not the one for you, but I am."

I sighed a little too loud.

"Don't do that, hahah. It'll be on me, don't worry about paying, alright? Cheer up!"

"Okay."

The rest of the class was really... tense? You could say. Honestly, I just wanted to Run Away and hide away in Yeonjun's room for a little while. I don't wanna go out with Changbin. I find it odd that I'm not angry at him right now. Typically, if he'd tried to take me out, I wouldn't have agreed, and I would've gotten pretty angry. I think I'm just numb right now.

I literally messed up so bad. Yeonjun for SURE doesn't like me anymore. There's no getting that back. He can pretend to show interest in me or whatever, but come on now, let's be serious. Who would want me after all that? I misunderstood him, and he's right. I am a wimp.

Am I supposed to keep living in his apartment after what happened? I don't have the option to live on campus, or even have an off campus dorm, since I'd be practically forced to live with another man... another man that's not Choi Yeonjun. I guess I should just move back in with my mom.

Shit.

My mom— what am I gonna tell her? "Something happened?" I might as well just have to go with that.

Ugh.

Fuck.

My.

Life.