When We Write the Stars

Chapter 30: Hayden

     "I'm texting Payne and some of the guys then, you deserve a real send-off."

     "I don't know..."

     "Dude, it's that or be all depressed about Cassie all night," Gibbs offers.

     "Text the guys then," I say. My biggest dream ever is coming true, I can't let this ruin it. I won't let it. If I just push everything down for now, I can deal with it once the Leaf's season is over, and they're a shoo-in for the playoffs so that might be a while.

     The next afternoon, I land in Toronto, and someone from the team is there to greet me at the airport. They're putting me in a hotel near the stadium for now, but before I can go there they want me to go into the stadium to officially sign the contract.

     My agent, it's wild that I have an agent now, says that the contract is pretty standard. It's a two-year contract for two million dollars, with all sorts of bonuses and incentives included. That's more money than I've had in my entire life, that's more money than my family's had my entire life. We were by no means poor, we managed to make ends meet, but I never had the newest hockey gear, and wouldn't have been able to afford college without the hockey scholarship.

     There's a lot of media people there when I sign, and so many pictures are taken of me signing the contract, and then of me holding up my brand new jersey with a brand new number, my old one was taken. I couldn't care less about the number on my jersey though, it was just the fact that I have one. I have a jersey and a spot in the locker room now.

     My first practice with the team is the next morning, and right away it's so different from any other hockey practice I've been to. Not to toot my own horn, but I've always been one of if not the best players on the ice, and now I'm just a rookie. I'm good, that's why I'm here, but some of these guys have been playing for years. They all seem nice for the most part though, I think it'll take a while to fully warm up to each other, hopefully, I'll make friends here.

     I've played on teams before where I haven't had many friends, then I've played on teams with my best friends and it's so much better to play with friends. So now, of course, I'm anxious about making friends on the team, what if they all hate me for being some fresh-out-of-college rookie and I completely blow my shot? I need to prove myself now more than ever.

     I've always just had the goal of making it to the NHL, and now I'm here. Now my goal has to be to stay, to prove that I belong here, to hopefully help my new team win the Cup at some point. And to do all of that I need to prove myself tonight.

     I've been in Toronto for four days now, and they're having me suit up for tonight's game against Anaheim. The Ducks aren't very good this season, it should be an easy win which is probably why they're giving me a shot, and I'm more nervous than I've ever been in my life.

     Tonight countless people will be watching me play in this Toronto jersey for the first time, what if I completely screw it up? What if it turns out I'm nothing more than a decent college hockey player? What if I do okay, but injure myself so badly that I can never play again and I lose my one shot? I'm spiraling like crazy thinking of all the potential things that could go wrong, and before I know it I dial a number on my phone that I definitely shouldn't be calling.

     She picks up. I don't expect her to, but she picks up, "Hayden," she asks sounding confused and slightly annoyed, "Why are you calling me?"

     "I have my first game and didn't know who else to talk to. What if I fuck it up? What if I-"

     She cuts me off, "Hayden, we broke up. You can't just call me like this."

     "Cassie," I say with more emotion and vulnerability in my voice than I intended, "Please."

     She sighs. I could cry, I haven't heard that sigh in what feels like a lifetime, "You're going to be fine. It's hockey, that's your whole thing."

    "But, what if," I start to say, but she once again cuts me off.

     "No, you don't get to ask what if. Do you know how stupid that is? Anything could happen tonight, good or bad. You can't control it. Just go out there and do what you've done every time you've set foot on the ice ever and you'll be fine. At the end of the day, it's just a game, but you're Hayden West. You're going to do great. You always do."

     I sniffle, "Thank you."

     "You're welcome, now go show them what you can do. I've never watched an NHL game before, I can't have the team I'm rooting for loose."

     I'm completely taken aback, "You're going to watch?"

     "How could I not?"

     "Because we..."

     "I know," she says. Then goes quiet for a second, "Good luck tonight Hayden. I hope this is everything for you." There's not a hint of anger or resentment in her voice as she says it, just sadness.

      "I," I start to say, but am met with the sound of the phone call ending, I say it anyway though, "I miss you."

     I set a timer on my phone for five minutes. I'll give myself five minutes to feel this, so be torn apart by the fact that I lost the best girl I've ever had. The only girl I've ever pictured myself having a life with. I let myself cry and feel everything until that god-awful alarm goes off. Then I take a deep breath and collect myself. I have a game to get to.