*SUICIDE WARNING*
*EATING DISORDER WARNING*
*SELF-HARM WARNING*
In that letter, the one I wrote to my mother. I talked about me hating everything about me. How I starve myself, my hatred. I wouldn't eat, I skipped breakfast and lunch and dinner everyday. I wouldn't eat most of the time. I've lost weight, I noticed that I'm slowly getting a thigh gap. I know about ED's. Anorexia, Bulimia, I told my mother about this. I told her about me being depressed and my anxiety, she hasn't done a single thing about it. No doctor appointments, nothing about my health from lack of nutrition and food.
I self-harm.. I never realized that I've hurt myself ON PURPOSE when I was younger. Around 7,8,9,10 when I got mad, I would claw my left arm, one scratch left marks. I would punch my left arm (I'm right handed) I would punch my thighs. I only did it cause I was mad. I never had self-hatred back then. Now, I claw my hand. My left hand has a scar now, I would claw my hand when I was mad, my last time was a about 2 weeks ago maybe 3. I have a tiny scar on my left hand from me cutting with a knife. An easer burn scar on my wrist. I found shaving razors under my bathroom sink, my older brother left them when he moved. I have one that I've tried to get the razors out, I've never tried again.
Today, 6.19.15, I almost scratched my hand again. But I stopped, then I google 'How to NOT self harm again' then my asshole step-father got me mad. I didn't hurt myself, I'm trying me be a different person, it's so f*cking hard! I'm trying to be a better person. For my little brother...
In the letter, I talked about my suicidal thoughts. My mother cried when she read that part. She said, "If you love your brothers, grandpa and grandma and me and your family and your cousin so much, why would you?"
That made me cry.
In the bible (im Christian) it says anyone who kills themselves goes to hell, I don't want that....
I can't control my thoughts. I can't control myself. My step-father told me 'You can control your emotions and thoughts'
NO I FUCKING CANT
(Sorry for swearing)
My temper is horrible, short temper, one thing can set me off and ill be pissed off for the whole day. I get annoyed easily. I'm stubborn. Emotional. I'm also 99.9% sure I'm bipolar
(Bipolar means your moods change quick) I can me so happy and then want to kill someone. I can want to slit everyone's throats then go to a happy teenage girl.
My uncle committed suicide... I didn't really know him. He committed suicide 2 months before my first birthday. I want to meet him. I want to talk to him. I want to hug him. His son, my cousin, was only 4 years old.
I need to talk to someone. I need to yell, I need to scream. Go ahead, whoever is reading this, judge me, I want to kill myself, I self-harm, I starve. Go ahead, comment on this and judge me, I don't care.
Lemme say something, please don't comment "Don't starve yourself" or "Don't hurt yourself"
I can't...
One day, I only ate 1 time and then exercised. I felt light-headed, I felt weak, I felt like I was going to pass out.
If anyone needs help on anything, ill try to help you. We can help each other :)
Thanks for reading I guess...
