Lilac in the Leaves

So don't you dare leave me (and break my hopeless heart)

Chapter Titles from 'Castle (You're so lilac)' by Ricky Jamaraz.
Content warnings:
-References to self harm
-Dubious consent (not sex)
-Suicidal ideation
-Self hate
-Blood
-Depictions of Illness

Please let me know if I have missed any

Word Count: 5,486

Hello! I won't make this lengthy because, after nearly 4 months of waiting, you're possibly very eager to get on with the story.
I'm trying to learn that I am not obliged to be updating this story as often as physically possible, rather, write the story for my own leisure and at my own pace, and then choose to share it with you guys, so I won't apologise for the wait. (Fanfic authors aren't paid and we don't owe you anything, as much as we appreciate your support!)

This chapter was meant to be on the shorter side (it ended up being quite long) and originally meant to come out way earlier as the last part of the previous chapter but I gave it a separate one because of plot significance. I adored exploring Gwen's thoughts and relationships with other characters (specifically Hobie) throughout this one. You get a cameo of my Spidersona and the beginnings of Hanahaki at the end of the chapter.

((Unrelated to the story now; if you have been following the media recently, you would have heard that, since the 7th October, Israel has been carpet bombing and g^nociding Palestine. I do not want to dampen your mood, but I do want to use what little following I have to urge you to do your own research; the media has been lying about the case and painting Palestine as the villains. They are not. Please do not fall victim to propaganda.
You can find multiple creators on Tik Tok speaking thoroughly and simply about the subject, whom can also recommend books to you etc etc. I would also recommend getting news updates solely from Al-Jazeera as they provide the most well-rounded, live, unbiased footage of the events, etc.

The most effective way to end the g^nocide is to boycott the companies supporting it; notably Starbucks, McDonald's and Disney. There are others but those are ones to target as targeted boycotting is most effective.

Otherwise, take care. We are living in difficult times but we must stay united, we must stay speaking about it and demanding justice. Look after yourselves and remember that it's ok to feel overwhelmed about this and you're not a bad person for wanting a break from it for a moment.))

Please enjoy the fic!!
//
Gwen

Hobie's birthday party comes around quickly. It's one of the bad days, when it does. Gwen finds herself barely just dragging her body from her bed, avoiding the mirrors in her room and bathroom. She brushes her hair- mercilessly- washes her face, as if hoping to rub the exhaustion from it.

She walks to school like a ghost, pushing past crowds. Then she doesn't pay attention in her classes, no matter how much she wills herself to. She skips band practice; like she always does. No reason today? There is but it's too complex to explain.

Eventually, they'll kick her out because of the lack of effort she's making. They'll find a better drummer who cares enough to tell them when they are and aren't attending, who won't abandon them.

It shouldn't sting; it's what she deserves after all. But it does, like everything does now. She hates this all, hates herself and what she has done.

Gwen gets home, tries to sit down and do the homework she doesn't know how to do, gets fed up and ends up crying on the pages. She rises from her table with a heavy heart and red eyes, ties up her hair and shrugs on her suit, hoping an hour or two of patrol and the wind rushing past her ears will help her calm down.

The sun is orange in the sky, high and warm, shining down when she does not deserve this feeling at all. Warmth is something foreign to the cold sting of her skin, burning is what she deserves as opposed to the gentle rush of autumn wind against her covered body. But she can't cry right now, she can't cry or else she will ruin her mask. She's just so emotional, isn't she, when she did all this to herself, destroyed everything good for her all with her own two hands.