ₘₑₗₜᵢₙg ₋ ₛₐₙₜₐₙ dₐᵥₑ ( discontinued )

𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐫𝐭𝐞𝐞𝐧

"so what would you have said to him? you know if jas didn't drag you away." marcus inquired, as he sat down beside her.

"i- i don't know. i've never really had to tell a guy i liked him. like i've never had to like confess my love or whatever. guys usually want me and i just say yes." amara admitted absentmindedly.

"did you just subtly brag about getting guys?" marcus asked sarcastically, laughing at amara's quick refusal of that.

"no! i mean i do get a lot of guys. but that's not the point." she rushed out.

"i was joking mars. now tell me what's actually wrong." marcus reassured.

"i don't know how to tell him how i feel. it's like i've got all these thoughts, but no way to articulate them. i thought maybe you could help. i mean you've done it before with jas. actually, how did you do it?"

"well it wasn't easy, but i don't know, i just told her everything i felt for her. i was so nervous before doing it. but when i was doing it i felt no fear because when i looked at her, i just felt...calm."

"awwww. see i wish i could do that. but anytime i'm vulnerable with a guy, it just ends bad. i don't want to risk it with dave. what if i'm vulnerable with him and he suddenly doesn't like me anymore? or if he realises that i'm an anxious control freak, that has anxiety attacks over nothing, and isn't attracted to me anymore? or what if-" she rambled, feeling her chest tighten and her breath quicken. she felt as if she was being held under water, with her breaths becoming more ragged and short and tears streaming down her face.

"alright, i'm just gonna stop you there, before you get yourself all worked up. and we're gonna work on you breathing. ok mars?" marcus reassured, wrapping his arm around amara, immediately picking up that an anxiety attack could've happened just then. he rubbed his hand in circles on her back and made her take deep breaths with him."ok now do you think you could tell me how you feel without getting anxious like that?"

"i just don't know if he would still like me, if he saw what just happened right now. i mean i almost had a panic attack just then. what if he sees me that vulnerable and can't handle it? or stops liking me because of it?" she stated, still sniffling and wiping away her tears.

"i'm going to say something that you won't necessarily believe. i've seen you and dave interact a lot over the years. i've seen all the petty arguments, all the name calling. all of it. but something new, is the way he looks at you. he looks at you like he's scared that if he looked away, you wouldn't be there when he looked back. there is nothing, and i mean nothing, that could make him stop liking you. because everything that you hate about yourself, he liked you for." marcus comforted, rubbing small circles on her arm.

"you really think that?" amara asked, her voice still stuffy, but the hope in her eyes were impossible to miss.

"of course mars." marcus stated confidently, finally instilling some hope in amara.

it wasn't just amara's fear of vulnerability that held her back, it was her incredible amount of trust issues. she had her fair share of bad relationships, but arguably james ( her most recent ex ), had damaged her the most. he hated whenever amara would get anxious, or expressed a desire for reassurance. he especially hated dealing with her panic attacks ( not like she asked for it, she literally has anxiety. duh! ) as he called them cries for attention. as you can probably tell, he was a boyfriend that fed on her insecurities and ate away at her confidence; leaving her unable to think someone could possibly like her. especially dave.

amara would never admit this to marcus, but she always valued his opinion. ever since they met, when they 8, she had seen him and his siblings as the older siblings she had always wanted. she had always went to them for advice, as they usually told her everything as it was, which is something she craved. so when marcus told her that there was no way dave would stop liking her, she believed him. who was she to doubt her pseudo big brother's opinion?