ready for it? • t. zegras

fourty five

"You know as your brother I love you, right?" Spence says, sitting across the couch from me.

I'm in one of Trevor's hats. Backwards. Ready for a kiss like he taught me. I miss him. So bad. I love him. So bad. I can't stand this. But I need to think. The whole puppy analogy.

"Yeah, Sunshine," I say. "I know."

He nods. "So, as your brother, I'm telling you I think you are scared as fuck and I think you know that. I think you're a dumbass if you're going to let a little bit of fear come over you for a guy who treats you so well and loves you so much. Not to mention how much you love him."

No words come. A rare occasion in my life. I can't think of anything to say. I can't think of anything. Except for Trevor. That's all that runs through my mind. The way his eyes light up when he sees me. The way his hand feels in mine. His lips. His heart. His care.

Then that stupid Instagram story on Jamie's phone. The secret dinner with a girl that used to be more than a friend. Maybe my long history of one-night stands is skewing my opinion. But I can't imagine having someone I even barely hooked up with become just a friend. I know how girls work. I know how I work.

She was the one to reach out. She was the one to want to see him. But he is the one who said yes. He is the one who kept it from me until he was caught. He is the one who has regret. She's a little in the wrong. But not as much as my boy.

"Ten?" Sunny says. "You've had worse. You have had so much worse. Trevor's the best you've had so far. I don't think you should let him slip away over this."

There's a moment I want to snap. To yell and tell him just because it isn't the worst thing a guy has done doesn't mean it's okay. That if I let him back in, he can do worse. He can become worse. Because they always start good.

I don't snap at my brother though. My voice stays soft and even. "I'm scared."

"I know." He nods as if I told him we have the same parents. As if it's a fact of the universe. "You have every right to be with your past. But he's your present."

"God, you're sappy," I tease.

"I'm serious! Plenty of people have this kind of thing happen. Plenty of people let it rip them apart. Like my buddy, his girl did what Z did basically and he lost his mind and quit the relationship and they're both miserable."

"Isn't that— Wasn't that the guy who I once watched drink a bitch cup without even wincing?" I ask. "I don't know if I trust—"

"Then trust me," Spence pleads.

"I..."

"Trust me."

Those are the exact words he said to me before I watched him jump from the roof and nearly miss the pool at our grandma's. The same pool Trevor and I were in during that early morning swim. Officially together and unable to keep off of the other.

I know I trust Spence. Right now I'm not sure I trust my boyfriend.

* * * * *

"Tennessee, I—" He cuts himself off after I shake my head when he tries to get too close.

"I've been thinking a lot," I say. Trevor nods rapidly. "I've been hearing everyone out but I don't think I've heard you out enough. So, let me hear it."

He wasn't expecting that. I should've been laying into him. Telling him how stupid it was and how much it hurt me and all that shit. There's no point in that, though. He knows. He's well aware.

"Teags, she's just a friend. I've known her a while. I'd say we're more acquaintances at this point." He pauses to see my reaction. "I can't even imagine girls having those intentions because the only girl I want to think of me in any way that isn't friendly is you. I kept it from you—which was so fucking stupid—because deep down I knew it'd hurt you."

"So, then why'd you do it?" I ask.

"'Cause I like hanging out with different people."

The gears in my head start turning a bit faster. "Did she try anything? Did you?"

"I was talking about you the whole time," he whispers.

"Did she try anything?" I press.

"Yeah. And I left right then." Trevor laughs at himself. "She flirted with me. I said you needed me and dipped."

"How long did it take her to flirt?" I'm not meaning to make this an interrogation but it's starting to feel like one.

"She was probably flirting for a bit before I noticed. She's not very good at it."

"Not like me," I joke, a smile cracking through.

"Nothing like you," he confirms and I know it's a compliment. "But as soon as she used your name I noticed and like I said, dipped."

"She used me?"

Trevor shrugs. "I was talking about us getting together and she said she wouldn't take as long as you did and that I didn't deserve to wait so long and she would never."

Rage fills my body all at once. And then I realize Trevor waited for me. He was ready for so long and waited. He loves me a lot. Any rage disappears. I close the space between us and throw my arms around him. His arms loop around my waist and he pulls me as close as possible while pressing his lips to mine quickly. I nearly whine when he pulls back instead of giving me more.

All he does is smile. "Does this mean I'm out of the dog house?"

I nod and press the side of my face to his chest. Sinking into the touch of the man I love the most. Who waited once and waited again for me to think things through. I don't want to spend another day without him.