Goodbye, Evan

22

He cracks a smile, even though it wasn't funny. I smile, too.

"And the opposite," he adds.

My stomach drops.

"Honestly, I don't even know." He sighs. "I... I missed you. I'm pissed as hell, but I missed you so fucking much."

I look up at him, into his eyes. And it suddenly hits me how fucking happy I am that they're looking at me again. That he can see me.

"I missed you, too."

He steps forward, looking down at me with soft features. I crane my head so I can keep looking at him.

He puts his arms around me, pulling me into his chest. His hands rest between my shoulder blades and on the small of my back,

fingers wide and splayed and flush against my spine. I slide my arms hesitantly around his waist, still not quite believing this is real, and rest my head against his throat. Almost like it was made to, his chin nestles in my hair. He holds me even tighter, like he's afraid I'll disappear if he lets me go again.

(I'm here. I'm here and he's hugging me.)

Even though we've cuddled - in his bed, which is even more intimate - it's him holding me this time, him who made the leap. I feel protected, and safe, and for a second everything seems to melt away and I just want to stay here forever.

"We need to talk," he says, and I can feel the sound humming through his body.

"Yeah."

But it's at least another minute before we move.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"It's my fault, isn't it?" Theo asks. He stops walking and turns to look at me, hands buried in the pockets of his coat. The wind bursts through the field, catching his hair and clothes. "It's my fault you disappeared."

I think about his last words to me: You've made your choice. So stick with it.

Yes, it is his fault.

Do I resent him for it? No. He obviously knew what would happen as well as I did, which is to say not at all.

(But it was still his fault.)

My silence is answer enough. Theo sighs and sits down in the field, which is thankfully dry this time. I do the same after a moment.

"I'm sorry," Theo mumbles, looking down at the sod. "I never wanted that to happen. Never. Even though I knew you'd come back, it means we have less time together. I'm so, so sorry."

We both fucked up. Big time.

"I'm sorry, too," I say. "I shouldn't have made things worse by pushing you away. We've had such little time together, and we don't have much left. I'm terrified of losing you, and I care about you more than I've cared about anybody since I was living, and maybe even then. So I was scared. Of course I was. And I'm sorry for making the wrong choice."

Theo looks up at me, mouth slightly open. If I could, I would lean forward and-

"I don't think you understand, though," I continue. "You've lost your mum, I know, and I'm not devaluing that, but you have no idea what it's like to lose people who put their trust in you, again and again and again. The only people you can build connections with. And it'll be especially hard losing you, because I let myself care about you when I swore to myself that there wouldn't be another."