When I Loved Her

Confessions of a brother

Zephyr

I watch my little brother hanging upside down while I hear my heart breaking into a million pieces. His suspended body sways left and right as he tries to set himself free from the chains that restrain his ankles and save him from coming face to face with the shit-stained floor. Years of slaving away at the gym does nothing to sever the rope that binds his wrists together. His eyes that never shied away from always searching for the light even in the darkest corners, are now hidden from the world by a blindfold.

"HELP! IS SOMEBODY OUT THERE? PLEASE!"

His screams echo through the basement, finding their way back to nothing but his own ears.

I sit back in my chair and try to look for an ounce of shame and guilt before I snuff out my own brother's life. But as expected, I find none.

But just because I don't regret doing it, doesn't mean I'm not sad about it. I've always been overprotective of my brother. I've always taken care of him. Even though there aren't a lot of sentiments we agree on or many traits we have in common, I've always thought him to be an undeniable part of me.

Unfortunately, all my efforts at keeping him sheltered from the savagery of this world became futile once he grew a pair of balls.

"I'll kill the monsters for you, Zafar. Don't be afraid."

"You promise?"

"I promise, çiçek."

I tuck that 20 year old memory away and try not to let the heartache cloud my judgement.

I get up and start walking towards my brother. The floor creaks under my weight and deafening silence comes into being. Zafar halts his screams and pleas for help; hyper-aware of his surroundings.

"Hello?"

"Is anybody there?"

"Please let me go! How much do you want? I'll pay. I'll pay thousands. Millions. Just let me go, please."

"Millions, huh?" - I say, putting an end to Zafar's negotiations.

"Come on now, çiçek. Everybody knows you're the worst liar. Let's not overestimate our bank accounts here."

I can tell he's taken aback by the way his forehead creases and untimely lines of age make their show.

"Zephyr? Is that you? Zephyr, what the fuck is going on? What am I doing here? Why the FUCK am I hanging upside down from the FUCKING CEILING?"

He's upset. He's never upset. A bit grumpy, sure.

But upset? With me? Never.

Zafar hurls his objections at me with unrefined rage.

From his colourful throes of curses, it might be apparent that he's not comfortable with his current state. Well, that's too bad for him.

I pick up the ball gag from the table and shove it in his mouth and secure the belt around his head.

"Now, I want you to listen to me and I want you to listen to me carefully, before I cut your fucking balls off and feed them to you. Are we clear?"

He stops yapping and nods his head.

I take his blindfold off and look him in the eyes. His hazel eyes stare right back at me.

"Hello, çiçek. It's been a while." - I can't help the warm smile that touches my face when I call him by the pet name I gave him as kids. He was always delicate as a flower. Kids at school used to bully him because of it. Because he wasn't masculine like the other boys at school. So he joined the gym and buffed up. But that never took aways his dainty personality. 

Tears gather in his eyes like beads made of gemstones.

He tries speaking but the gag stops him from doing so, making him sound like a dying cow. So I show him some grace and remove the ball from his mouth.

"What are you doing, Zephyr? WHY are you doing this? Please, let me go." – he starts crying like a little bitch.

"Hurts when your own blood pushes a knife in your back, huh?"

"What? What do you mean?"

"DON'T FUCKING ACT LIKE YOU KNOW NOTHING, YOU LITTLE SHIT!"

Zafar flinches and I feel another piece of my heart fade away.

My brother and I came from an emotionally abusive family. Our parents may have never put their hands on us but the psychological trauma they caused was enough to make us cut all our ties with them. Well, it was enough for me at least. My goody-goody moralist little brother couldn't find it in himself to break connections with his birth givers.

"They're our parents, Zephyr." - he had said when I found him talking to the old cow he still calls mother.

I should've done something back then. Should've known- that when push comes to shove, he wouldn't hesitate to throw me to the wolves. That he's not like me. He doesn't feel like I feel. He doesn't feel as deeply as I feel.

But now I won't leave any stones unturned. Nothing is more important to me than my Zara. And I can't have her while he's around. The longer I spend staying away from my Zara, the closer I crawl to my katabasis. Every night I sleep on an empty bed without my Zara and yearn for my descent into the underworld. But when the hypnotics slowly pull me to sleep, I see her. I see her standing there with open arms and calling my name with fondness. Just as I'm about to pull her into my chest, I lose the privilege of my dreams and make my way into reality. But I wake up with recovered hope to do absolutely anything and everything to get her back.

And that includes getting this little traitor out of my path.

I take a fistful of Zafar's hair and look him dead in the eye.

"You should've stayed away, çiçek. You should've stayed away from my Zara."