The Only Exception

Twenty Two

I never saw myself having someone I wanted to be this close with. I couldn't imagine laying on the couch and throwing popcorn into each other's mouths. Couldn't imagine waking up and not wanting to get out of bed because he's so comfortable, or bubble baths together, or having him hold me whilst I sobbed for the 50th time that week. I didn't think anyone would want to stay and be here and would willingly do it all for no reason. He didn't have a reason. My dad fired him for not keeping me safe. He wasn't here because he had to be. As far as dad knew, I was in some hotel or staying with friends. He hadn't cared enough to ask. 

"Oh. Would you look at that?! It is you! I was very confused about what my hand was doing." He was grinning, ear to fucking ear like a child. "Do you want me to stop?" 

"I didn't know you could paint." 

"I've painted for years," Spencer wrapped his left arm loosely around my waist, returning to painting with his right. I shuffled just so I could lay my head on him. Moments like this with him had quickly become some of my favourites. Just me and him existing alongside each other. Everything else just disappearing because it didn't matter. "Wanna try?" 

"No." I watched his profile, completely mesmerized by the man Spencer had become over not even the years he was away, but in the past 2 and a half months since coming back. We sat in silence for a lifetime. Just me watching him focus with a soft face, holding onto me and not letting go for even a second. "Spence?" 

"Yes, Sunshine?"

"How do you know when you're in love?" His hand stops, slowly lifting off the paper whilst he slightly furrows his brow and turns to look at me and I get the feeling it's a question I should have probably used Google to answer. Nerves pull at my skin as I tug the sleeves of my top down over my knuckles. I feel like I'm going to throw up. 

"You don't know?" I swallow, slowly shaking my head because no, of course I don't know what it feels like to be in love. I barely know what love looks like outside of soppy romcoms that are definitely not reality. I haven't exactly had role models that ever showed me and the closest I ever got to it was the first guy who stuck around for more than 2 dates. He vanished after 3 weeks. I don't have friends who have fallen in love. I don't see it in them or my relationship with my family, my parents never really loved each other. The only long lasting couples I ever met were my grandparents and they were so stuck in the 1940s mind set that I was only ever told I'd be a stay at home wife who raised a million kids. "You love me Lainey." 

He says it so matter-of-factly that he could have invented it. Maybe he did. Maybe Spencer is the first person to ever look at me and fall in love and that's why I've never felt it before. I feel how much he wants me in my bones. From the second his eyes open to the very moment he closes them. Each time he looks at me it's as if it's the first time he ever has. I see him having to force himself to stop. He looks at me like I'm the best thing to ever happen to him and whilst I don't understand it, I know he does. 

He puts the paintbrush down, pulls me across so I'm sat on his lap. Nowhere to run. Nowhere I could ever hide even if I wanted to. Spencer grabs for my hands, stopping me from pulling my tee shirt apart as I pull at the seams. 

"I can see it with you Lanes. That you feel about me the same way I feel about you. The fact you're asking me that tells me you think you know it too. Right?" I nod once. Twice. Watch the smile on his face turn from gentle to intense. His nose scrunches, eyes wrinkling as he giggles. Actually giggles and the sound sets my soul on fire. He puts his hands under my top, rubbing my lower back gently. "Say it, Sunshine. You don't have to be scared of it. You're with me remember? You're safe with me. All of you." I swallowed the lump in my throat, forcing them out with everything I had in me. 

"I love you." Somehow his smile got bigger. I didn't even think it was possible but it did. 

"Again." 

"Spence-" 

"Gonna keep going until you're comfortable saying it Sunshine. Even if I have to carry you around for the rest of the day. Keep going." 

"I love you." His smile is contagious I swear but the one I give out is weak and doesn't feel stable. I know his reaction is a good one. One that is supposed to settle my nerves and my heart but I don't think I have ever been this scared. 

"And I thought you screaming my name was my favourite sound." Spencer pulls my hips and pulls his legs out of the bench, standing up without making me get off him. 

"Where are we going?" 

"To the bedroom. I need to compare which sound I love more."  

He couldn't have moved quicker if he tried. Tackling the stairs 2 at a time  and kicking open his bedroom door, almost diving for the bed. He lays me down, presses his hands into the mattress at either side of my head and... stops. 

"You don't want to?" 

"No, no it's fine." I reach for his top but he bats me away. "I want to Spence." 

"Then you better tell your face that because it looks like you're about to cry again." He moves to my side, grabbing my hips and pulling me further up the bed. "What's wrong?" I shake my head, biting it all back because I really don't know what I'll do if I fuck this up like everything else. "Lanes-" 

"Nothing's wrong Spence." I go to pull at his shirt again but end up with my one good hand pinned above my head and I suck in a breathe. 

"Sunshine," He uses his nose to knock my face so I'm looking at him straight on. "I'm not in this for sex. You are obviously not okay and you're not covering that up with sex. So talk to me. Tell me what's in your head so we can work it out together." He stares into my eyes, flicking between them both. "You're still scared I'm gonna leave if we don't." He says it and the break in his voice cracks at my shell. I clench my jaw as my eyes fill with tears I'm doing everything to fight back. "Oh Lainey. Come here." He wraps me up in his arms, tears slipping out through my tightly squeezed eyes and onto his perfect white tee shirt. "I'll tell you everyday forever if you need me to Sunshine. I'm not going anywhere. Baggage or no baggage, sex or no sex, love me or not. You're stuck with me."